Right...I haven't posted on here for quite some time. Got close to my manifestation, messed it up due to worrying, no more detail needed about that. Revised three entire days and felt like it almost never happened, except for when other memories come up now and then. 

Started following the Neville subreddit to keep me motivated. There are success stories and helpful people, but I realised it was of course full of solipsistic "we all live in our own Universe and everyone else is our slaves" type of people. I don't buy that personally. I don't believe in the traditional idea of free will but I also don't believe that other people, when they are "us pushed out", are dumb robots doing our every bidding without having conscious independent thought. I believe that imagining creates reality, and I believe that there is another explanation that we don't know about, all I know is things like telepathy and energy can be and have been studied scientifically, unlike a concept, "us pushed out", that we can't look at or measure. 

ANYWAY...I got caught up thinking about all of that and wondering if it could possibly be true even though intuitively it feels wrong to me. Anyway, it was a big distraction and made me depressed and panicky because I want to just get on with things. I think I'll be keeping away from that subreddit and go back to only listening to Neville himself now. I think people get over-excited because they think they understand Quantum Physics, when Quantum Physicists don't even understand Quantum Physics. I'm not arrogant enough to claim to know how the Universe works, unlike some of these people. All I can say is, Neville's methods clearly work, enough people have had success for me to believe, and I have seen it happen in my own life when I created things I didn't want. 

So, I had a realisation the other day that was helpful. I had been struggling to imagine or feel the wish fulfilled. For some reason, I hadn't realised just how obsessed I had been with my SP over these months, and when I realised this, I snapped out of it and felt free. I felt like an actual person again like I had my independence and my self back. When people break up with someone, they usually have some time to get themselves together and have some time for themselves. I wasn't in a relationship with this person before, but I instantly got into looking up how to manifest him because I felt it was possible, then found this forum and Neville etc...I'd never had a break! Anyway I felt this calm wash over me when I had this realisation. I felt free, the world felt lighter, I felt like I had been born again. And, in that moment, all my feelings returned with clarity. I could feel my SP, I could feel the love and the joy again. Because I wasn't forcing anything. 

I'm getting there step by step. Now that I know this, I can allow these feelings to come up. I'm still not practising this as regularly as I want (ie. every day and night), but at least I am taking steps in the right direction and getting into the habit of at least attempting to fall asleep in the wish fulfilled. I think I did it the other day. I am listening to my subliminal messages a lot. I am meditating. I am becoming my best self again. I believe this is possible. And I'm working on not beating myself up every time I attempt to imagine or feel the end result and feel nothing. I'll get there. I just need to relax and be patient with myself and kind to myself. I know I can do this. I'll get better at it. Everything is going to be fine. 

Don't give up guys. Persist. You can achieve this. Imagination plus faith. 

Anyway, I can't let myself get caught up in those interpretations of Neville that freak me out so badly. I know some people here believe in that and that's up to you, but I'm not going to believe I have the entire workings of the Universe sussed out. The best we can do is speculate. I have a lot of conviction about this point but I find my thoughts getting obsessed every time a thought about it crosses my mind. 

All I want to do, is ignore all of that, and imagine my desire and live in the end. At the same time as being the best version of myself. I have realised that I have the belief that this is necessary (and I don't mean in a perfectionist way, just being happy, on my own side, knowing my value etc), and not only is it for my own good to achieve this as well, it's easier to work with this belief.

I just needed to get this out of my system in a place where they may be people that understand. Because I get so caught up in those Philosophical ideas, it can be hard for me to take a step back and regain perspective on my own, and there aren't many people around to talk to about this. If anyone has any suggestions to help me stop worrying about things like that and to stop these thoughts repeating over and over, I look forward to hearing them. I know what needs to be done, just have to get out of my own way.