To be honest I don't want to think about what happened because it doesn't matter anymore. Thinking about it won't change a thing and I've learnt what I needed to learn from it and forgiven everyone involved. But I have realised it was a reflection of a deep rooted childhood belief I've been carrying all along which in fact had destroyed many of my other relationships - not romantic, but friendships definitely were affected by that belief. Time and again I've received signs that suggested I look inwards. In an earlier post I mentioned how I accidentally received an extra T shirt of his size with the print I wanted for him. I now realise how big of a clue that was. The message in the t shirt was "True discovery lies inside". When I saw it at the shop, I initally thought about getting a matching one for him, then I said screw it and bought one for me. Only when I had reached my city (800kms away from where I was visiting) I found an extra piece in my bag, the exact same piece I had imagined for him (I've promised myself that I'll pay the shop owner when I return, there wasn't a bill or a phone number - classic villageside shop, paid in cash). I've mentioned the episode in full detail. I mean it was really affordable anyway and I had money on me, I could have purchased another piece easily, I just didn't want to buy it because it might cause pain later. But it happened. So, I'm taking the advice and looking inside lol.

My current reality is quite stressful in many different ways, not just relationship wise. I'm grateful for the kind of discovery and knowledge I'm gaining because of it but with all due respect to my current reality, I deserve better and choose to move to my desired state. I'm from a hardcore tech background so most of my friends are major skeptics and they'd rather sit and complain about the things that got away than look for ways to get it back. Personally I've had to read research papers and watch Ted talks on related topics lol ( there are a number of them actually, need to dig really deep to find them). Posting here feels comfortable, like I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who believe they deserve better and atleast have the guts to even dream about giving it another shot. Who love their SP enough to be willing to search for possibilities, to push beyond their comfort zone. Which is why I keep updating here lol. It's like instead of texting a friend about something good that happened, I put it up here

I asked about seeing him again a couple of times. Then I got needy about it. Like really obsessive. I'd worry about why it's not happened yet. So I've let it go. I've done a lot of work. I'd like to relax and see it unfold ( easier said than done but it does sound so appealing! ). Veronica was the first person who was very open to the idea of attracting someone specific. Before this I've had thoughts about free will because of videos mentioning not to ask for someone specific, then there are folks who'll mention stuff like add "someone better". I mean yeah, there are folks who like milk chocolate, there are folks who like dark chocolate. I like dark chocolate. If I go to a restaurant and ask for a death by chocolate cake and the waiter comes to me with a milk chocolate cake and says, "no, this is better, please try", I won't pay him! ( I'm not comparing him to dark chocolate, it's a tough competition but I think chocolate wins this round...but, you know what I'm saying, lol)

I threw out a similar request too and 2 weeks later this weirdo arrives. I mean the opposition to our relationship was because it was obvious that if it went on, this was going in the direction of "till death do us part". We even casually discussed it. I wasn't ready, but we spoke about it and coincidentally our timelines match. Hell our retirement plans randomly match lol. Either one of us would say something and the other would go "no way...". So why someone else? I've just skipped the complicated stuff. My wedding scene is the easiest to visualise and it's become my safe place. Irrespective of what I can visualise, that scene is something I see really really clear. I can even see my friends making really inappropriate jokes like they usually do around us ( if they do on that date I swear I'll beat up each one of them after that)

I don't know if I should post it here but I lost a family member very close to me today. I'm posting here because to be honest, I'm at a 0 right now. I don't know how I'm supposed to get up. I asked for a good sign today and I don't know how that's relevant and how I should trust and hold on to anything. Forget specific person, but anything in my life at all. Suddenly I look around and all I see is emptiness and it's really difficult to get back up from here.

I don't want to bring any negativity here or spark a debate. Please if someone feels like debating, request you to stay off this thread.

If someone has any words of wisdom regarding how to get back up when you feel like you've lost all reason for living, I'd really appreciate it. I'm in a dark place and I'm searching for something to hold on to right now. I have all my end outcomes clear but from the state I am right now, I don't understand how to work my way up there.

Did a 5k rum today. I need the gym, now more than ever. It's the place where I detox my body and mind and recharge my batteries. I've never done a 5k run. I have suffered from asthma throughout my life but it's been a year since I completely ditched the inhaler.