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8/25/2017 1:37 pm  #1


We throw the L word around too much but what about the R word

All the time on this forum I read love everywhere, whether it's I love him, self love, unconditional love etc etc. I think we focus on love so much yet no one can actually define that word. Moreover, love is an emotion and emotions make people do crazy things.

Let's focus on an easier word instead, respect. Look st the definition on Oxford Dictionary

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/respect


Your ex may love you, but if you are lacking respect for yourself and them, you are essentially giving a vibration of "I don't deserve any respect" and the situations that you will receive are going to be mirrored back at you.

You can love someone, but not have any respect for them, and as a result, your actions will mirror that of you not caring for that person. Often the people who aren't respected are people who don't respect themselves. Now I'll give you an example, I have a friend who plays the victim in all her relationships, to the point where she has forgotten her own worth. She tried to give me advice regarding my career and my relationships, but because she cannot respect herself I really don't care for her advise. (She's an HR professional and should ideally give me the best career advice but the way she talks about her job amd the people she interviews makes her career advice sound useless). It's funny because other people can give me the same advice and I'd take it, but her level of self respect makes her advice useless. I still care about her as a friend, but her lack of self respect drives her to do crazy things and I don't want to be around her. The funny thing is that when I lacked self respect, she was my favourite person. You literally create your own reality. Many of us have a family member whom we love dearly but yet their actions don't warrant our respect. Back in the day, when I was in school, I had many teachers whom I didn't like. Yet, my mom always told me that the teacher deserves my respect because they are an authority figure whose goal is to help me learn. Nowadays, of course, parents seem to fight with teachers at any opportunity when their kid is sad and that's why we are raising a generation of entitled children. But our respect for our teacher is tied to our love of learning, even if you don't love the teacher. We may not agree with politicians but yet we respect them because we love a stable society. The reason why Donald Trump doesn't have my respect is because his actions are incongruent with my love of a stable society. A healthy relationship encompasses both love and respect. I'll talk about the different kinds of relationships later.

So let's talk about self respect. I'm not referring to self love, as that term is being thrown around too much, I think to some extent, we all love ourselves. If we didn't, we wouldn't have the ability to love another person or even the desire to want another person to love us. The mere fact that we have the desire for love already shows that we love ourselves enough and we believe that someone else should have that experience of loving us. Some of us are seeking therapy, because we love ourselves enough to want to get back on our feet. None of us have successfully ended our lives because we love ourselves enough to experience the joy of life, as painful as it is. so all of us love ourselves to some extent. We still eat to nourish ourselves, we bathe to clean ourselves, we groom ourselves to look nice. We don't think twice about doing those things because we love ourselves enough to know this is how we function in society. While these tasks also tie into self respect, we don't do these tasks out of respect for ourselves, but we do it out of love. A mother does these tasks for her child out of love because she knows that the child cannot do it themselves and her love for the child is strong enough to ensure the child can gain a sense of respect. As adults, we do these tasks because we love ourselves enough to ensure there is some level of respect. A nurse performs these tasks on an ill person to ensure her patient maintains some level of respect but it's out of love for her job, not her patient. So tasks which are congruent with respect do stem from love in some form.

So how do we develop respect for ourselves and for others? For one, accept the situation and the circumstances. Acceptance symbolizes respect for all the parties involved. If you got passed for a promotion by your boss, no reasonable employee would fight their boss. If you can't accept their decision, that shows you don't respect their authority. If you fight them, that's asking to get fired. But if you love your job enough, you can talk to your boss, asking for feedback and maybe get promoted next time. You can search for another job, but still be in their good books and get a reference if you love your career enough. But acceptance is key. If your significant other wants to end the relationship, accept their decision. If they want space, respect it. If they love someone else, respect their decision. You don't have access to their mind so you do not know what made them make this decision. If you cannot respect their decision, your actions would be inconsistent with respect for yourself. Often, when I think of self respect, I view myself from a movie point of view. If I'm constantly texting my ex, bitching about the other woman, if I saw myself as a movie character, I would have no respect for her. But if you respect their decision, you'll stay in their good books. Maybe your ex will keep you in mind for the future. Maybe they can recommend you for someone else. Maybe you forget about them and you find someone new but you don't care because you respect your mental state.

Now let's talk about different relationships:

1. You love and respect the other person. you love yourself enough and you respect the well being of the other person. You accept their needs while ensuring that your own needs are met. You care about them deeply and empathize with their emotions. This is the most healthy form of a relationship.

2. You respect the other person, but don't love them. you respect the decisions they make because they are congruent with your love of another aspect of your life. That respect is a vehicle to allow you to fulfill your other goals. Maybe this respect can turn into love for the other person too. In fact, before you love a significant other, you respect them first and this turns into love. Respect comes before love.

3. You love the person but don't respect them . There are two types of this relationship. One is selfish disrespect and the other is selfless disrespect. In selfless disrespect, it's because the person does actions which are incongruent with their own self respect. You empathize with the person because you care for them but their actions reflect someone who does not respect themselves. These people are draining and they slowly push you away. The other is selfish disrespect. You love the person, but you cannot respect their decisions and your actions symbolize disrespect for them. This is many of the users on this forum who cannot respect the decisions of their ex. Love is an emotion, respect is a verb. If your actions are consistent with disrespect for another, you must examine yourself and your level of respect for yourself before you can bring back the love for the relationship.

4. You don't love or respect the person, Tbis is where people do horrendous things to each other. Such as rape, stalking them, murder, obsess about them. People say "it's in the name of love". But love requires some level of empathy, and if you do these things, you don't even empathize with the person. There are a handful of posters on this forum who are in this category. They are obsessed with their exes and will do anything to get them. When they are advised to not do these things, they throw tantrums on the board. They don't empathize with the other person but do things like RS to get what they want. This is obsession, not love. Love requires some form of empathy.

Last edited by mugginess (8/25/2017 1:52 pm)

 

8/25/2017 6:48 pm  #2


Re: We throw the L word around too much but what about the R word

This is a really well thought out post.  Nicely done


Veronica Isles - VeronicaIsles@gmail.com
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8/25/2017 10:59 pm  #3


Re: We throw the L word around too much but what about the R word

Thank you for sharing this, I respect how you think ;)
Xo, 
Julie


The entire Universe lives inside of you, why play small? 
http://veronicaisles.com/html/03_coachingPackages.html
 
 

8/26/2017 11:59 am  #4


Re: We throw the L word around too much but what about the R word

I really love this post. It truly gives me something to think about. Thank you

 

8/26/2017 1:56 pm  #5


Re: We throw the L word around too much but what about the R word

The support means a lot coming from Veronica and Julie 😊

     Thread Starter
 

8/26/2017 6:44 pm  #6


Re: We throw the L word around too much but what about the R word

<3 <3 <3


The entire Universe lives inside of you, why play small? 
http://veronicaisles.com/html/03_coachingPackages.html
 
 

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