So, after some time I'm much better. It still hurts in the place where heart is but I'm laughing I spend time with my friends, I'm preparing for my new job from 1st of June.
This was very hard period for me. I can make many explanations for everything but I don't want to. Somewhere deep inside, many of us, probably don't have that big love for ourselves. Or maybe we give ourselves too much because someone told us that we should. Or... Never mind what. Interesting is that first time in my life I was so in love with my body. He made some "remarks" about my body but I simply didn't care. I was like- I'm perfect. I can't explain why I didn't have the same opinion about whole relationship like- I'm too good for you. I see that you have a problem but it's not on me to help you. You must help yourself first.
Like my best friend said- You forgot who you are.
Girls, don't you ever forget who you are!!! 

PrettyFlamingo wrote:

What exactly do you love about this guy?

This is very good question...
When he doesn't have his attacks he is very nice... Sounds like an awful cliche, I know...  I was in state of guilty like I am guilty for his behavior, he is like that because of me... But everybody told me that he has an obvious problem. I was afraid of him many times. It's like wolf in sheep skin (if you understand what I'm saying)

Yes... I know... It was so painful. Now is more painful then ever. And I was always making myself guilty but it is too much to be guilty for. He has really big issues...

After his unblocked me (after almost 6 months of no contact) and started to say hi and started to make conversations with my son (about week ago he was talking with him to play football) today my son saw him riding a bicycle with some girl. 
I don't want to make Disneyland from that but... BUT...
I think that everything was lie. He is with me then he disappear for two weeks or month or four months... Then he comes back. He has his attacks like- we are in bed cuddling and laughing and he just jump from bed and start telling me to go home. Few moments after he starts with awful words to me...
So I'm not sure that I can change my thoughts so much that I can have some change here... I think that my situation is... I was with abusive guy who has many issues. I love him but maybe it's better for me to love him and not to be with him... 
Last argument was like- I came from holiday and brought him a souvenir. He place it on my car and I was like-wtf?! I went to his office and said to him that he was very rood etc and with calm voice wanted to talk with him. It ended with his hands on my throat. 
So... Maybe... I don't know is every time my thoughts made this or feelings or what... In start of relationship and first few break ups I was stronger and always with smile and etc But after we went to sea together I totally snapped... I didn't understand nothing. Last night (at our vacation) he was having nightmares and I woke him up few times. In the morning he was nervous and he just stopped talking with me. On our way home he didn't want to speak with me for 6 hours. Finally when we arrived he told me that he doesn't need idiot like me. Few days after he put on my car souvenirs from his trip (he went after our vacation on business trip) and started to play with my son a and do everything to be with me.
This was long post and it was just few examples... I think that I must fix me now. My heart and feelings and brain.