Cahira wrote:

Hello,

I've been more or less stuck in this situation for about one and a half years now and I've read so many LOA books, but I'm really confused now.

I try to cut this as short as possible. My specific person is my ex. We have been together from 2003-2013. It was me who ended the relationship. I moved on quickly or so I thought and a year after I tried to attract my true soulmate. I started doing hypnoses and meditations, wrote lists about the qualities I wanted in a mate etc. There was a part in the hypnoses where one should remember their happiest memories. At first I thought of my pets, several friends etc. but memories of my Ex would pop up more and more. I tried to surpress them as rubbish after all I had ended the relationship. But over the months I noticed more and more how I missed him everywhere, what he truly meant to me and that I may have taken him for granted.

One could argue that I just missed him and wanted him back because I didn't find another man. But that's not true, many new and wonderful guys showed up in my life. But they just made me realize: they're not like him.

He had always wanted me back, sent me messages over the years almost weekly that I should give him another chance. But I didn't want to confuse him or myself, so I remained cool. It was only in November 2015 where I gave in, I wasn't sure if I wanted him back as man, but certainly as a special friend. He agreed. We met regularly and he kept trying to seduce me but I wanted more time.

Then in summer 2016 I was sure I wanted him and... he disappeared! For 13 years we were, even while we were separated, always in contact and may it only be messages on FB. He just kept messaging me that he was busy and that was sorry for that. When we met for the last time in August 2016 he told me he had begun a relationship with a girl, I'll call her Sandy. He told me she meant nothing to him, that it was just a sexual relationship as I hadn't been sure about him and he had been alone for three years.

In October 2016 a woman, let's call her Amy, contacted me on FB. He had a kind of an online romance with her. They had met via FB and phoned daily. I knew about that all the way and it was okay for me as Amy comforted him when I left him. He had also told me that he had special feelings for Amy and I wasn't really jealous, I never saw her as a threat as I knew she only popped up because I had left him. However, Amy then told me that Sandy had moved in with him! That was a major shock.

I had been crying my eyes out for months and wrote almost daily messages. He kept saying he feels desperate and he was sorry he lost me, that he wanted to phone me etc. Happened only once when Sandy moved out for three days after she had found out about Amy. Amy broke contact with my ex in February 2017 and since then he's been desperate because of that.

Him and me met in August 2017 again and he said that he doesn't really love Sandy, but she won't go away and he makes him feel guilty. He then asked "shall I end the relationship with her? I would do that but you don't truly love me".

We met again per chance on a concert in September and after all what happened I tried to ignore him because he was there with Sandy of course. He tried to talk to me four times and in the end he sat near me and ignored Sandy while I ignored him.

In early November he suffered a stroke. He's only 34. He wrote to me from the hospital. That he doesn't care about Sandy and when he comes home from hospital we could enjoy some good time together. I felt so happy and cared for him as good as I could. Our contact was frequent, he called me every day. Sandy broke up with him, but then he told me he was said that she didn't love him anymore.

In the end he spent New Years Eve with her and our contact, after several desperate calls and messages by me, faded away. I feel so much guilt now that I became a mess - Sandy makes me feel like second best - and cried and acted crazy while he was sick. He even told me he must shield himself from me because I was unstable etc. That makes me feel ashamed.

Since he's home now, about three weeks, he doesnr message me at all anymore. He's living with Sandy again although he told me again in January that she's not his true love but she had done so many things for him that he can't just leave her now. And our contact is as sh***y as it was before.

I just don't know what to do now. I wrote him today if he still wants to be in contact with me he should say something. He read it, but no reaction.  I then said 'okay, well, I don't have to run after a man".

Now I need suggestions what would be the best way to truly manifest him back. I thought about no contact anymore, but he already goes for no contact and I feel guilty for making it look then as if I don't care for what has happened to him - his left hand is partly paralyzed. Also, I'm so so afraid to lose him forever now that I'm finally ready. 

Sorry, if some parts sound a bit shallow I just tried to write the facts. I'm far more emotionally concerned. I just feel so helpless about the third or even fourth party because Sandy has him and he keeps telling me Amy was his soulmate though she never contacted him again although she knows about his stroke, too. It makes me so sad and angry that he's sad about Amy while living with Sandy and seems totally indifferent that I may disappear for good. Also, it hurt when he told me he always wanted to marry me and none of the girls meant as much to him but I just came too late.

I tried self love meditations, Neville Goddard style imaginations and I started Veronica's 25 day challenge. I had to quit the latter because I simply can't believe he loves me anymore. I know he must feel a lot for me still, but I'm just desperate and I want to change that. I've become a person I don't recognize anymore.

What steps apart from self love should I take? Should I block him? Ignore him (while I don't believe he would contact me now anymore anyway)?

Any help would be so much appreciated.

You've got to find a way of believing that you can have what you want. This all sounds like a terrible mess, and Neville was in a bit of a mess himself when he wanted to marry his second wife and had never been divorced from his first one. Perhaps it would help you in some way to read his transcribed lecture called Brazen Impudence where he talks about his situation and how it got fixed. It's online, just google the title. There's a  lot of religious stuff at first, but once you get through that he tells about his situation.
 

Cahira wrote:

Hi Cynthia!

Thank you for your reply - I will search for the text in a minute.

Yes, it's a horrible mess. I think I created Sandy as, when I wanted him back in 2016, I also feared I would lose him. It was insane as he had always been after me no matter what I did or said. But then I never thought about losing him before. Since I started fearing I could lose people, also friends, it HAPPENS! But although I get the pattern I can't get rid of the thoughts.

I often fear that he has become sick because of all of this. So, should I pause the contact?

No contact doesn't always apply at all times like some people think it does, but in this case, since you sent him that message saying that you don't need to run after a man and he read it and did not reply, I do not think you should contact him in the outer world again right now. You first need to change what you are thinking and imagining.
He may have become sick because of all of this, but if that was the case, he did it to himself, so don't blame yourself.
 

I did all wrong again. I felt so desperate that I told him he should marry Sandy as he's only been playing with my hope.

Oh god, I'm a hopeless nutcase at the moment. I want him back but I believe it's not possible. And I know I'm pushing him further away by my entire behavior and mindset. I just feel so depressed.

Last edited by Cahira (2/06/2018 6:05 am)

Cahira wrote:

I did all wrong again. I felt so desperate that I told him he should marry Sandy as he's only been playing with my hope.

Oh god, I'm a hopeless nutcase at the moment. I want him back but I believe it's not possible. And I know I'm pushing him further away by my entire behavior and mindset. I just feel so depressed.

 
First, try to calm down. You're working yourself up into a state over this, and it is making you do unproductive, destructive things.  I don't think you said why it was that you broke up with him.  You are creating reasons for him to think of you as unstable. You are sort of putting him on a pedestal now, and starting to think of yourself as less than and second best to other people and also that it is impossible to get him back. You are looking only at outer conditions and making these assumptions and starting to accept them as true, but these are only thoughts in your mind and must be changed to thoughts of what you do want. I know it can be difficult to ignore what is going on as you perceive it, but you don't really know for sure. People say and do things all the time for various reasons that they don't really mean, or if they do mean something at the time that could be fleeting and change at any time. Nothing is written in stone. If you can't imagine yourself back together with him with both of you happy right now, at least try to think of it as a possibility because it is a possibility, however remote you might think of it being, it is still one possibility. Tell yourself things like I am loved, I am wanted, I am first best, I am top priority until you start to believe it. Don't contact him again for any reason when you are still in a bad state of mind. You can only do more damage that way. When I have times when I start to feel negative about being with my person, I find the 'what if' method of imagining being easier to do than trying to imagine without it. It does seem to make a difference. For example, 'what if he rang me up and told me how sorry he was for hurting me?', 'what if he told me how much he loves me?', 'what if he and I were happily married to each other?'

Last edited by Cynthia (2/06/2018 8:36 am)

Cahira wrote:

Thank you so much, Cynthia. It's so kind of you to write back to me. Especially as I get the whole concept but worked so hard against it these past days.

One of the main reasons why I broke up with him was also a trust issue. I felt like I couldn't rely on him entirely. We weren't living together and when we planned things for let's say Monday, he would come Thursday. When we arranged a date for 3pm he would come 5pm. He often promised things and I actually believe he wanted to do them but couldn't keep his promises. When really important things happened, he was there but the more time passed the less I trusted he would be a reliable father for example. But now I know I was too much focused on his minor flaws. Still, maybe I even felt second best back then sometimes.

Another reason for the split was I myself. I had a major anxiety disorder and I needed to sort this out by myself. He never forgave me that I cut him out from my life back then. He said so when we tried to rekindle our relationship in 2015/16 but he would also say that I hurt him so badly that this wounds need to heal.

And this is funny because he only started saying he probably couldn't forgive me when I started to feel ashamed because of the past. So, I might have made him think so with my thoughts? I actually believe so meanwhile. All these years he longed for me to come back no matter what and then when I felt so sorry he started to complain?

Today I wrote more miserable messages and blocked him on WhatsApp. It's totally ruined for the moment, but I'm also angry that he doesn't phone me. All these years he always called me when I wrote messages like that.

I think I should keep him blocked everywhere. After all, it will prevent me from writing more awful things at least. He knows I want him back although my behavior is more than horrible. Maybe I could unblock him for his birthday and send him an unpersonal "happy birthday".

It was the same for me. Last year he ignored my birthday and it was the only time in all these years where I had really hoped he would congratulate me. He has never missed my birthday. Even on my 30th, two years ago, he would phone me - when we hadn't talked on the phone for almost 2 years!!! - and wanted to visit me.

It really seems I'm mastering the law but sadly only for what I don't want. Whatever I fear gets manifested in days or weeks... The opposite should be possible then, too, right? As crazy as it sounds after these miserable deeds, I want him, I want to spend this summer with him finally. But I get this can only happen when I change my inner behavior first. It's just so not easy. I've really never been like that. Years of therapy made me like that, it helped against my anxiety disorder (gone) but it gave me a major inferiority complex.

All I can think now is that I lost him forever and it kills me almost literally.

I would love to do ho'opono. I just never really got what we should think of when doing it? Who should we address it to? Ourselves?

 
Trust issues have been big for me as well. My person was long distance and broke promises to me over and over again, making me feel like I didn't matter much to him. He had cut me off suddenly literally for years without any explanation, then contacted me and told me he'd been taking out on me what other women had done to him, even though I had consistently done the opposite and had been a continuous, consistent source of kindness and support to him during that time. He made grandiose statements about wanting me in his life forever and that I'd never get rid of him now but didn't even do the most mundane things to make that believable. He had told me to tell him off if he needed it, and when I finally did that, he cut me off again. He was supposed to have given me his new address but hadn't done that, so I hadn't heard from him since December 2016. I had felt very bad about being as harsh as I'd been and had tried to track him down because I know what town he moved to but couldn't find him. I don't do social media but was forced to join fb to get technical support in a private group for something, so I looked him up on there never dreaming in a million years he'd be there. He was, I had to send him a friend request before I could send him a  message, he accepted, I sent him a couple of innocuous messages that day and the next, which he read virtually immediately but didn't reply to, asking after him and telling him something important that had happened in my life, and a couple of days later when I was back on fb I noticed that he had blocked me, which really knocked me for six. I'd finally found a way to reopen the channels of communication and he cut mine off again, although he still has several ways to contact me if he wants to. This absolutely broke my heart all over again.

I personally think blocking somebody is one of the worst things you can do if you even think you might want a person back. It is extremely hurtful anf feels like a huge rejection and slap in the face, at least that's how it has made me feel, and it has hardly endeared him to me and made me love him more, just the opposite. It gave me yet another reason to think I was a fool to waste one more second of my time or shed one more tear over him.

There's no need to block somebody anywhere in order for you not to send them a message. Just use some self control and stop and think before you send another destructive message because you are lashing out because you are hurting. You will only create more hurt for him and yourself and cause an even greater rift. I understand the feeling only too well. It can be very tempting, but it is counterproductive. Try to be the bigger person from now on and not resort to childish behaviour because, as you well know, it will only make things worse.

I am wondering what sort of therapy would remove anxiety and cause an inferiority complex.

Try to stop thinking about all of the negatives of the past such as he said that he never forgave you for something or other. What matters is what happens from now on and what you are thinking, doing, and believing from now on. I don't know why you have what seems to be such a sudden desperate need to get him back, but desperation is one of the best ways to keep what you want away from you.

Probably the biggest issue of all with my person is that we both had a lot of abuse, neglect, and trauma growing up, but I am more emotionally stable and he behaves like a traumatised child rather than an adult, like a selfish, self-centred spoilt brat, and that is the singlemost destructive thing to our relationship and to any others of his past, plus he's gathered up all of his baggage from his entire life and dumped it all on me. I probably let him get away with a lot more than most people do because of our similar upbringings because I understand only too well what it's like. I still love him, but not like I used to, and it's all down to his repetitive unkind, childish behaviour, so think about that before you next have an impulse to lash out and stop yourself. Change your mindset to treating people with kindness.  It costs nothing and will get you a lot farther than the opposite.

If you haven't watched those videos, they are only a few minutes long. I think you will find them helpful. The lady explains the basics very well  You can use it on anybody and anything, including yourself. I think you need to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up over this.

I had written more but lost some of it accidentally and can't remember exactly what I said, but where there is life there's hope and  where there's a will there's a way are sayings I strongly believe in. Unless your person is expected to die within the next few days, what is the rush to get him back now? Trying to rush only causes desperation, fear, worry, and doubt, so give it some time, and be patient and persistent. If you can create the wrong things from fear you can create the right things from thinking the right things. You don't have to be perfect, just try to behave better. There is a lot of wisdom in the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Think how you would feel if somebody did or said something to you before you do or say it to somebody else, and forgive yourself for not being perfect and messing up sometimes.  None of us are perfect.