I am doing my best to stay calm but it is very difficult at times. For example I am supposed to work with her tomorrow but I am dreading it because I am not sure if I can handle myself around her yet. I am debating if I should go in or take the day off as it would just be me and her working. And things have been difficult lately with the energy she gives off to me. Thank you I needed to hear that. Part of me does think she is better than me because she is such a positive influence in my life and she also pushes me to be better and doesn't accept my faults because she says they could always be improved. Well I haven't texted her since the last time she texted me on Friday with the messages I showed you. Only thing is we texted work related stuff in a groupchat with my coworker in it. She was very warm and joking with him but generally cold towards me. Yea it has been wearing her down as I just realized today that we got into a similar argument last month where I was worried for no reason and she said this when I asked if she was ignoring me "I'm busy and overwhelmed and I don't feel like talking. It's not always about you and honestly you overthinking is starting to stress me out too so I'd rather not talk. I have been telling you so many times already about it and it is exhausting me everytime you are overthinking. I cannot be all sunshine and talking all the time. That's not how I am. You need to try alot harder to turn off that overthinking stuff and be confident enough that you are a good person and not doing bad things. Stop that I am always guilty and sorry mentality. It's draining not just for you but for me as well." This was previous to my birthday and telling me she wanted to build her life with me. But I forgot about this conversation now and explains why she said what she said. I just hope the damage isn't too bad. No it's the last thing I want I've been doing no contact on a personal level. Funny enough no I am not but she is from the Philippines. I have no idea if it is a trait there. Mine just stems from always being hard on myself when I was young thinking things were always my fault and maybe to some degree my sense of abandonment from my father when I was young.

Sorry I should of clarified. I meant how do I act normal when I don't feel it. Just seeing her message in our groupchat I get anxiety. And she can sense my energy she is very sensitive to that.

Three things I always have had is the first I had a dream her and I got married with both of our families there and one of my friends tackled me when I was on the way to the restroom because he was so happy for me. 2nd was I always have this daydream of us laying down in a bed together holding hands where both of our rings can be seen and she has tears of joy because it is the happiest decision she has ever made. Then her child comes in and asks for me to help with something and I go help them but we are all living together. 3rd thing she actually told me how one of our mutual friends ranted to her a few weeks ago about how I was in a bad relationship and he wished someone was there for me because it's been such a hard road for me. And she told me she considered that a sign for us and that was 2 weeks ago. I can try and imagine that too. It has been difficult work wise not because I am apologizing at work but because of my nervous energy and she usually warm and cuddly with me now she is cold and looks past me like I don't exist and we sit right next too each other. Also sometimes when I make regular jokes or anything she will act like she didn't hear it.

I am trying to hard and it's exhausting sometimes. She did say those things that she loves me and wants to marry me and build a life together. I get scared in times like now because there are times when she is hot and cold. So she will be all lovey dovey then she won't talk at all or not talk that much and in this time I have two fears. First my father when he was around taught me when a girl gets like that she is losing interest and is searching for someone else so I freakout and the 2nd fear is she has told me this herself but sometimes she gets scared and tries to keep me at a distance. And she is an overthinker too so I am worried about her overthinking herself out of our relationship. She told me a month ago she was scared that I would not wait around for her custody issue and she would be alone and then she would not get texts anymore and she said how she really misses my texts checking on her whenever we don't talk for a few days. But she also says she doesn't like to put her happiness first and puts others in her family first. I actually do think I manifested this because last june was when she got scared and tried pushing me away so in the back of my mind I may have been like I wonder if something is going to happen this year and here we are. It would be very silly. I try not to worry U have always been an analytical worrier though it could be because I am ADHD I am not sure. We were doing great before and I've seen things manifest in her better than what I even planned everything was amazing. When this project started we all worked together the first day and she was only supposed to be there the first day but when driving home I had said if me and her are meant to be together let her show up tomorrow for some reason. Then the next day one of the guys has been out for months and she has been there instead. I am trying too but it has been more difficult than usual. I've been meditating, visualizing trying to raise my vibration and I feel better than yesterday but whenever work or her come up in my mind it's mixed I am fighting between thinking about how we aren't talking and telling myself she misses me and that this is all going to blow over and we will be stronger for it.

I haven't been reliving the actual argument per se as it's pretty hazy to me but what she said in her texts are burned in my brain right now especially when she said "She was keeping things professional and that the situation made her realize things she overlooked/ She was exhausted with my overthinking and didn't want to deal with it anymore/and to leave her alone" Those hurt deep to see and I have haven't seen her say stuff like that before and as of now this is the longest we have gone without talking. One of the biggest issues we have is I like to talk and handle our situations together whereas she likes to internalize and shut everyone out. But trust his her number one thing and she hasn't trusted anyone as much as me. And everyone before has let her down before me. That's what I am attempting to do now. I am telling myself she has forgiven me and she wants to talk and she misses me. I am visualizing us making up but it's a back and forth struggle especially at work, when she texts coldly or looking at my phone and seeing no text. I am doing my best to nip this in the bud and right the ship. I think the biggest plaguing thought in my mind is doing no contact and her getting used to not talking to me as she can be stubborn and not text even if she wants too. She said before that she tried pushing me away when we first started but I was so persistent that she gave in. So I am worried giving her her space now she may still think that way but I am not sure if it is different now because this was before we fell in love.


 

I do very much so. That's why when I create I create strongly. I have been trying to let it go but I am not sure how because there is still no sign of her talking to me. In fact a few minutes ago she spoke to me and my coworker on group chat and she is pushing for me to stay home tomorrow. She doesn't think she is superior but she says she sees so much potential in me that I am not using. No it doesn't help it really does stress me out.

I haven't spoken to her at all and the thought of that is what stressing me to the point I am barely eating for the last few days. Wouldn't thinking that way have the reverse effect?

Oh I see what you mean. That makes sense because the first night this issue happened I left it alone and she texted me asking if i was feeling uneasy but I kept being so unforgiving of myself it pushed her to be the same. I wonder if I am causing this too. Since I am so nervous to see she is nervous to see me as well hence pushing me to stay home because she scared of confrontation. She always said if she really wanted me gone she would have me kicked off the project and she hasn't done that. Maybe she wants to stay professional to test me. I should have mentioned this before but the first time I texted her about all this she said don't be sorry be better you can't change what happened I just want you to be consistent. And she has said that she tested me before with other things. I can imagine the end still I can see the colors of the room shining on our skin as we hold each other and laugh it's still there it's like a back and forth battle right now. The good thing is i can't imagine us not being together because all my life when I have a dream that I can remember every detail it has come true. So I think our marriage will happen too. I just hate this bump in the road. I know I shouldn't worry is there any exercise to kind of steer my thoughts or raise my vibration to get out of this funk. I did that once and I noticed how she changed towards me. She even said what you think of yourself is what I will think of you. So that's confirmation she is me pushed out right?

She did say she loved me and wanted to marry me. She said she was frustrated because she wanted to build a life together now but has to wait on her custody. She also said I have her heart and she never has felt the way she does with me. In my mind I think I am a bit confused and maybe a hint of too good to be true because How does someone who loves me so much treat me like this over something small. She did say Ive been late multiple times too so It's not the first time I was late. I guess in my mind my question is does she still love me and want to marry me if she is treating me like this right now?

The last thing I want is to self destruct...

I see what you mean like someone who is healthy and convinced they are sick will eventually become sick since they believe it despite all proof?

Do you think at this moment it's still in the prevent stage and not rectify? That would help me alot!

alex31 wrote:

I do very much so. That's why when I create I create strongly. I have been trying to let it go but I am not sure how because there is still no sign of her talking to me. In fact a few minutes ago she spoke to me and my coworker on group chat and she is pushing for me to stay home tomorrow. She doesn't think she is superior but she says she sees so much potential in me that I am not using. No it doesn't help it really does stress me out.

I haven't spoken to her at all and the thought of that is what stressing me to the point I am barely eating for the last few days. Wouldn't thinking that way have the reverse effect?

Oh I see what you mean. That makes sense because the first night this issue happened I left it alone and she texted me asking if i was feeling uneasy but I kept being so unforgiving of myself it pushed her to be the same. I wonder if I am causing this too. Since I am so nervous to see she is nervous to see me as well hence pushing me to stay home because she scared of confrontation. She always said if she really wanted me gone she would have me kicked off the project and she hasn't done that. Maybe she wants to stay professional to test me. I should have mentioned this before but the first time I texted her about all this she said don't be sorry be better you can't change what happened I just want you to be consistent. And she has said that she tested me before with other things. I can imagine the end still I can see the colors of the room shining on our skin as we hold each other and laugh it's still there it's like a back and forth battle right now. The good thing is i can't imagine us not being together because all my life when I have a dream that I can remember every detail it has come true. So I think our marriage will happen too. I just hate this bump in the road. I know I shouldn't worry is there any exercise to kind of steer my thoughts or raise my vibration to get out of this funk. I did that once and I noticed how she changed towards me. She even said what you think of yourself is what I will think of you. So that's confirmation she is me pushed out right?

She did say she loved me and wanted to marry me. She said she was frustrated because she wanted to build a life together now but has to wait on her custody. She also said I have her heart and she never has felt the way she does with me. In my mind I think I am a bit confused and maybe a hint of too good to be true because How does someone who loves me so much treat me like this over something small. She did say Ive been late multiple times too so It's not the first time I was late. I guess in my mind my question is does she still love me and want to marry me if she is treating me like this right now?

The last thing I want is to self destruct...

I see what you mean like someone who is healthy and convinced they are sick will eventually become sick since they believe it despite all proof?

Do you think at this moment it's still in the prevent stage and not rectify? That would help me alot!

 

Yes, that is confirmation that she is you pushed out. People are going to behave the way you expect them to or in the way you think you deserve to be treated. It's coming from you, or me, or anybody else, not them. It may seem to be coming from them because that is what the vast majority of us are brought up to believe. Listen to Mental Diets again, but really hear it.

Yes, I think it is still in the prevent stage, but it won't stay that way forever if you keep this up. For heavens sake, stop. You are driving me round the twist as well. 

You have really got carried away with this. You are torturing yourself over nothing, at least so far it is nothing. This is all of your own making. Believe me, you don't want to have to do a lot of work to rectify a situation. If you think you are stressed out now, I can guarantee that you would be much more stressed out if you had to do that.

The outward conditions you are experiencing in this situation are a direct effect of what is going on in your mind constantly over this. I have told you over and over what to do and not do, but I don't think you are taking it in because you are so up in your head overanalysing and overthinking. She loves you. She wants to marry you. Why isn't that enough? Don't make her change her mind.

No worries! I'm happy to elaborate.  Letting go is about freeing yourself from all those needy, desperate or controlling feelings.  Hence, it's about allowing a better outcome to take shape.  If you keep feeding your desire with the same feelings, you'll keep getting the same disappointing results.  But, if you free yourself from all of this - things can take new shape and form.

Releasing the past means to move forward and move ahead.  Not move on, but move to a place of abundance rather than lack.  This starts by what you focus on.

Yes, let her arrive at this place on her own.  If you keep trying to outwardly fix things, it will continue to backfire.  Choose the inner state first and nurture it.

Ask yourself if what you are doing now is producing the intended results.  So, what do you have to lose by leaving her alone? If you are focusing on the idea of her convincing herself to change her mind, then you are preparing the way for it.  It's ok to have fears, but don't fuel them.  Don't feed them.  Fears are part of being human, as she is important to you.  But, focus more on her deciding to connect with you.

Veronica xxoo

alex31 wrote:

Hi Veronica,

Sorry I missed your previous message. I am a bit confused but letting the feelings go part. Also with releasing the past. So are you saying let go of the bad situation that happened and forget about it? Act as if we are fine and let her get there on her own? What do I do about my fear of leaving her alone? As I am scared she is going to convince herself to change her mind. As she has told me before she has tried to do it. But my contact has kept her from doing so.

Cynthia,

True we both know that but it's been difficult for us to let our guards down.

Ok I am listening to that one now.

I may have made a mistake I just messaged her on work I I'M just checking on how the project was since I am not there and she was the only one there. It was all work related except at the end I told her to make sure she took her medication because she always forgets and to have a good night. That was it. She had a cold response towards it. It wasn't anything relating to us so I didn't even think about it but now I wish I hadn't messaged her.