I dated my POI while he and his wife were seperated. We have been connected for over two years. He did go back to his wife but we stayed in contact. He was in love with me and I believe he still is. He went back for his daughter. Recently he started telling me that part of him doesn’t want to be with his wife, he wants me, he wants to leave, she doesn’t give him what he needs, but that part of him feels like he has to suck it up for his daughters sake. He doesn’t want to lose his daughter and his wife will fight for custody. Then a few days ago he went NC (again) because he feels I distract him too much from what he is supposed to be doing. Which in my mind means, I tempt him and make him want to leave. I respect him but he and I are meant to be together and I want to help him raise his child. I think he stays with her in fear of losing what he’s built. House, truck, camper, all his toys and custody. But he’s settling.
What suggestions do you have when RS/RI? I want him to realize that I am the one for him, I can be a good step mom, life with me will be happier and he won’t lose everything if he chooses me. I haven’t met his daughter but I’ve seen her pictures and have known about her for two years now and do care for her. I want to be her mom. Would sending her love help? Visualizing the three of us together? I mean, sure it’s great he’s attempting to keep a family together, but I think he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. He was married prior and has two older kids and in the divorce he basically gave his ex everything. House, truck, camper, didn’t fight for the kids and she remarried and took them across the country and he sees them once a year, now. I get why he’s afraid to lose everything, but he didn’t fight the first time and I swear he just has ptsd and is keeping himself in a mediocre situation when he can have so much more. His wife just provides the basics. He describes her as boring in bed, not into it, has to practically force her, she’s boring but sweet. She’s good at keeping the house clean, though and paying the bills, they make really good money together and she’s a good mother. He loves her but isn’t in love with her. They got pregnant and had their child to save the marriage. If there was no child he would have left her. He’s unfulfilled but stuck.
Also, he has cut me off many times in two years, but he can’t stay away. He will be back, so I’m not worried that I’ve lost him completely. I just want him to choose me 100% when he returns.
Just to add to this. He has talked about us getting married, about me being the step mother to his 3 kids. Talked about how my new married name will sound once we are married. We’ve talked about how we want to live, the vacations we want to take. What our house will look like. He’s had a vision of us with a future. Somewhere along the way he had a reality check that being with me meant giving up what he has and I mean, he’s very possession oriented. He likes his house, his truck, his ATV his camper. And then afraid his wife will take their child like his first wife did. He also likes the money she makes.
But he wanted a future with me and he will push me a way and cut me off like every two months, then he comes right back. I roll my eyes each time. I commend him for trying to stick it out but he’s not happy. And she deserves someone who actually wants her for her and not the ties they have.
I know trying to break up a marriage is not right, but it’s a pretty disfunctional marriage. Sure, maybe it’s right for the little girl, but he will always continue to search for something better. I know 100% he will be back. He can’t stay away.
I will respect his NC but still want to work in the RS/RI as I KNOW he will be back. But this time I want him to realize how we can be a family. He’s been in that mental state before. I just need to get him back to it.