Well it's Sunday night here as I write this so loneliness is high. Not sure who will read but I feel compelled to write.

Tonight I don't feel any much hope left that she will ever return. She left @ Halloween 2017, only to initiate dating me again before Christmas, and only to dissappear again around VDay 2018. While everything I was doing to get her back was seemingly working, - in the last few months I've come to see that one important detail may have changed the entire equation in terms of me being giddy happy that we were reconciling vs me realizing I was being yoyoed and taken for a ride (including spectacular sex and intimacy as we once had) just so she would have male attention from the likeliest source: ME. As difficult as it was, I've had to open my eyes to the extremely high probability that my ex is a narcissist. Her dating profile even said back then "Smarter than your ex..uh oh?"... as it still does today. Back then it had me curious and I thought it was cute... but today and for the last 8 months and counting I feel EMOTIONALLY RAPED and without answers.. and I am extremely angry at the Universe for having brought into my life the Love of my Life when I had lost all hope in ever meeting someone who checked off everything on my list and added things I didnt even know I wanted!! I'm a man and I feel silly to be writing in a female dominated forum but truth is, I'm really angry at Life about this. I'm super picky and the odds of meeting a girl like this were already one in a million.

But once my eyes were finally opened that she had no intention to even want to explain to me why she resented me so much in February, that all she cared about was herself, I went full no contact... 60 days went by before she  messaged me for my bday with a heart emoji. Normally I would have fallen for it but I didnt, as I now see things thru the perspective that these are strategies/games to breadcrumb me. My lack of response led to her sending me a friend request on FB... which I have yet to accept a month later... (did she send it to save herself the guilt? she had unfriended me 3 weeks before out of the blue!)... And I got ONE message from her at 2am a few weeks ago which was very passive agressive... saying thank you for something that was just to put into my mind a reminder of something I really liked about her that I had now lost. I never replied.

This weekend I realized another reason I cant let her go is that she also woke up feelings of my first teenage crushes... she took me to concerts of my favorite bands when I was a teenager, and at locations where I did school trips. "B" represented not only my soulmate, my adult love, but my long lost childhood friend and teenage crush in a way. All those energies were awakened within me. And it seems that I have made no progress in healing.

While I would never take my life for a woman, I have started to ask God for peaceful death of natural causes. I just want to go home to the Light because knowing that this woman actually exists (not to mention lives in my neighborhood) is just too difficult. It was easier living when I thought that such a match for me probably didn't exist. Hence why, if indeed she is a Narc.,  "narcissistic abuse" is a SERIOUS soul killer. I'm still trying to rebuild all aspects of my life, not just my heart, but my head, my finances, my career, etc... I guess what I'm saying is that the most disgusting outcome I could have ever had with a woman came from the one I believed the least likely to happen with. Not just because of how much love and devotion she "seemed" to show me, but also because she is a psychotherapist and mother of 3. So yeah, I'm still in shock.

I've stopped doing all the techniques recommended because I found I was focusing too much on her. Instead I'm now just trying to suppress her memory out of my mind and live my summer without her.

Thank you for reading, whoever you are, wherever you are. I felt this was the only place I could voice my deepest thoughts as I think my friends are tired of hearing it.