Hi everyone, I haven’t been on here in awhile but I need a safe space to share.

I’ve manifested a new boyfriend in March of this year. I opened myself up to receiving something better and it came. I live in his town now, I was living with him but then I moved into my own place because his brother and family took over the house. But either way, living in his moms house was always going to be temporary for me.

Things have been good with us, sometimes I let things get to me and I unconsciously revert to my old ways of worry. But there’s one specific aspect I want to focus on, because this story is just way too deep and complicated to go on about.

Rewind a few months ago. He started a new job and went away for a month for training. In that time, his appreciation for me grew and he asked me to be his life partner. Then I told him that he was my forever. When I asked him if I was his, he said “you’ll find out on Christmas.” When I asked what he meant, he kept saying “just trust me, you’re going to have a good Christmas.” I don’t know why, but since then I’ve been thinking and dancing around the idea of him proposing. And I would honestly love to be married to him.

But, after something happened with his brother - it’s a long story based on stuff that’s made up, but basically, he was told that I’m not welcome in his house because they don’t feel “safe” around me. I haven’t done anything to cause this honestly, we really don’t talk all that much. But there has been some energy in the house that has thrown my vibe off, that got leaked back to everyone, and now everyone thinks I’m “mentally unstable” which I’m not. So now, after he and I had a little talk about how the two of them were going to talk, and he stated that in this discussion he has no choice but to respect his family’s opinion and will not stand up for me, he now has no idea if our relationship has a future. He said there are aspects of me that make relationships hard to thrive. Not impossible, but harder than they should be.

I’ve been strong for him, and we are still ok, him and I. But I feel crushed. Now that he’s gone to work and I’m by myself, I’m feeling everything at once and can’t stop crying. I love him to death and want to fix this. Not the situation or circumstances, but me. He is right, that I’ve just been putting bandaids on my wounds and not completely dealing with them because they always come back. Sometimes things slip out of me when my fear kicks in and I’m trying to be strong and not let myself get hurt. But he’s proven time and time again that he’s dependable and not going to hurt me. I don’t want to choke the energy of the proposal that I thought might have happened, so I’m trying to detach from that.

But with fixing the “‘me” that makes relationships hard to thrive, I just don’t know where to start right now. I’ve done so much work on me as an independent person, but I haven’t done much work on myself as a partner. Just feeling kind of lost.