I'm trying to reunite with my ex. We were together for quite a long time. We even lived together.

Like most of you since the separation, I've had more growth in the past three months than the past three years. This morning I woke up with a bad feeling in my gut. I did some meditations to try and shake it off. I then followed by praying to God and asking for a sign if I should continue trying to reunite with my ex (staying faithful, being positive, visualizations, living in the end, and radiating love).

Since I'm trying to live in the moment we are reunited in a relationship I decided to delete all the old online dating profiles I had (I just talked to people as a distraction on them). Well I had a feeling and I typed in her username and there she was. I know your not supposed to go seeking information about the ex during no contact (I've followed that very well, I havent checked up on her for months), but I felt something inside of me telling me to search her name. I did not contact her- actually I deleted my profile to make sure she didnt see me. I ended up finding out that she has been talking to a LOT of people since we broke up.The good news, I suppose, is that none of them have made any real connection. Out of like a hundred people none of them have been real conversations (although one was pretty sexual it didn't go anywhere). Looking at all these conversation she's having it's like she has completely moved on and doesn't think about me at all. The really bad news is that I found she gave her number to a person 2 days ago and he is trying to go on a date with her this weekend, which she seemed to be receptive to.

To be honest with you guys, my biggest fear is sexual infidelity. It always has been. I know we are not physically together (and some of you would say "it's not your business!"), but I feel this connection inside of me that we are still faithful, that we are still in love, that we will be reunited. If she broke that connection I couldn't be with her anymore, a thought that breaks my heart.One of my biggest growths in our time apart is my ability to control my sexuality. I no longer masturbate (I have NEVER in my life been able to do this for more than two weeks). I no longer watch porn. I haven't had any hookups with other girls. I don't even lust after attractive women I see. It has been one of the hardest things I've done in my life. It has taken SO MUCH work and discipline but I'm really proud of the man I have become.

I did it for myself, but I also did it for her. I did it to show her (and myself) I am capable of marriage, I am capable to stay faithful with someone for the rest of my life.Neither of us have ever cheated. This time last year I was her world. I am really torn guys, I don't know what to do.

All I've wanted for months now is for her to spend Christmas at my home with me and my family. I've been visualizing it every night for a month. I was joyful and 100% positive my desire would be fulfilled just two days ago. As the moment for that desire approaches I'm seeing these negative signs. Almost as if there is NO WAY it could happen. I am so low right now guys. Should I just try and forget about my love or should I keep fighting? How can I realign my energy after this?Today I am crushed I don't now if I should remove her from my mind and just focus on myself

Last edited by moodyfuel25@gmail.com (12/05/2017 3:37 pm)