PrettyFlamingo wrote:

This guy has assaulted the OP and has said she can't work, amongst other things. This is more than him being hurt. It's dangerous.

Agreed.

unicornsandrainbows wrote:

YesIWILL wrote:

unicornsandrainbows wrote:

You will keep going back into the same abusive relationship over and over again, until you change your core beliefs about your own worthiness.  Guaranteed.  Visualizing a change in him will do *nothing* until you are whole and complete in yourself, which means giving yourself the kind of love you want to get from him.  I speak from experience.

He first got very pissed but cried later  
This is a classic tactic to play on your vulnerabilities, something a 2-year-old does when you take away his toy that he really didn't want to play with anyway.  This man does not respect you.
 

He has his issues, but it's clearly not a 'play on her vulnerabilities'. The guy's hurt. So he cries. He's pissed because he has what seems to be anger issues or something. But he's not 'gaming' her or anything.

He's not just hurt; he is broken.  And he is manipulative.
 

He is broken. And seriously havnig some insane issues. And no, he doesn't seem like he's ready for any sort of romantic relationship right now. What a lot of people don't understand, is the "bad person" in the scenerio, is often hurting and having issues, themselves. I  genuinely feel for him. However, at the same time, he's very very clearly not treating her as she deserves at all. Nobody is "bad" or "good". Just aspects of them. His manipulative personality is likely coming from a place of fear of losing her. He probably does love her very much. At the same time, however, he likely has some anger issues and everything. Like you said. He's broken.

This is why I think, if she still loves him, she should try talking to him first before anything. Tell him that things have to change. Tell him that he cannot and WILL NOT do anything abusive in any way toward her. Tell him to work on the manipulative behavior, or else she's leaving him. Give him an ultimatum. If he really REALLY REALLY cares, he;ll work to change.

Clearly he's in pain. But that doesn't mean OP should be, either. 


That's all I'm saying.


I'm broken. Doesn't necessarily make someone 'bad'.

Last edited by YesIWILL (7/17/2017 5:36 pm)

unicornsandrainbows wrote:

YesIWILL wrote:

unicornsandrainbows wrote:

He's not just hurt; he is broken.  And he is manipulative.
 

He is broken. And seriously havnig some insane issues. And no, he doesn't seem like he's ready for any sort of romantic relationship right now. What a lot of people don't understand, is the "bad person" in the scenerio, is often hurting and having issues, themselves. I  genuinely feel for him. However, at the same time, he's very very clearly not treating her as she deserves at all. Nobody is "bad" or "good". Just aspects of them. His manipulative personality is likely coming from a place of fear of losing her. He probably does love her very much. At the same time, however, he likely has some anger issues and everything. Like you said. He's broken.

This is why I think, if she still loves him, she should try talking to him first before anything. Tell him that things have to change. Tell him that he cannot and WILL NOT do anything abusive in any way toward her. Tell him to work on the manipulative behavior, or else she's leaving him. Give him an ultimatum. If he really REALLY REALLY cares, he;ll work to change.

Clearly he's in pain. But that doesn't mean OP should be, either. 


That's all I'm saying.


I'm broken. Doesn't necessarily make someone 'bad'.

 yesIWILL, I don't believe anyone has labeled this man as bad or good.  I understand your need to defend him, but I really think you are misinterpreting what is being said here.  I agree, there is no black or white, but as a woman who has put myself in this sort of situation too many times, I know that "telling him" what she wants and needs from him will not elicit good results.  The only way she can "tell him" that abusive behavior is not acceptable to her is to walk away.  I really think you are confusing emotional problems with severe personality disorders here.  This man is dangerous,  point blank.  The ultimatum she gives him is walking away and protecting herself.  Then, if it's important to him, he can work on healing his issues, but they will not change overnight.  Sorry, not even in a magical Neville world will that happen.  I am not speaking from a righteous high-horse here... the only reason I threw myself back into the fire over and over, for someone I love with all of my heart, for someone who continually tore me down, was because I have been broken most of my life, too.  I have a ton of compassion, for everyone.  I kept thinking that if I tried hard enough, if I loved him just a little bit more, if I forgave him, because he is only human after all... he'd love me back.  He maybe did, and maybe does believe that he loves me, but if it hurts, is it really love?   And that is why I felt the urge to reach out to this woman.

But I know she will keep going back in, over and over, thinking that if she tweaks herself enough, if she applies enough "techniques", she'll be able to change him.  And it won't stop until something snaps inside of her, and she starts believing that she is truly worth a kinder, more loving world.  Her man needs help, and he deserves love just like everyone else in this world, but until he also chooses that for himself, this is just a bad situation.  Hitting someone is not okay.  Leaving a woman stranded in the road is not okay.  Insulting her, not okay.  Controlling her and keeping her from loved ones and even from working...NOT OKAY.  

I think you're mistaking my tone, lol.

Leave him. Call the police, if he's been abusing you. You can get an injunction out on him too. I know this sounds easier than what it is but you need to put yourself first. If you stay with an abuser, you're in a state of low vibrations. Get out. Get out now. And don't accept any apologies.

Abusers are never sorry for what they do.

80saeaak wrote:

It is NEVER okay for someone to hit you.
It is NEVER okay for someone to seclude you.
It is NEVER okay for someone to control you.
It is NEVER okay for someone to hurt you. Ever.

I don't care what this man's backstory is. I don't care if he's a "good person going through a hard time". Once you put your hands on someone, emotionally abuse them, and try to control them, you're a **** person until you get it together. Good people DO NOT hurt other people intentionally. There is absolutely nothing unintentional about this. He didn't "make a mistake". He purposefully and deliberately caused harm REPEATEDLY. He didn't forget your birthday. He hit you. No. No no not ever is this okay.

I read this earlier and had to step back. I absolutely agree with whoever said that everything can't be fixed. I totally 100% disagree with anyone suggesting going back to talk about it. There is not a person alive, man or woman, who can possibly think this behavior is acceptable or remotely loving while they're using their partner as a punching bag or making "rules" for another adult.

Walk away. Work on yourself. Find happiness and love in yourself and don't worry about any relationship. If you truly loved yourself, you'd have walked away at the first indication that this could be a potentially abusive relationship. I know this because I've been there, staying with a man who hurt me a lot because I "loved" him. The reality was that I was broken, he sniffed it out like a predator, and broke me down to a shell of what I was.

Louise Hay is a great place to start for anyone who is doing LOA, but especially those who have been abused and need to heal themselves. I highly recommend starting with her books, audiobooks, and/or affirmations, block the man from contacting you, and move on with your life as if he doesn't exist. If he doesn't leave you alone, get an order of protection. Absolutely cut him out of your life. You'll do better when you realize you deserve better.

No one deserves this.

I'm not saying it's okay. And he definitely needs to change. But people "can" change. It's ignorant to assume otherwise, especially if you don't even know the guy.

I'm saying that if she loves him and wants to be with him, to the point where she wants things to work out, she should lay down the rules. And if he refuses or doesn't change then he gets the boot. If he really loves her, he'll change.

Also this is an loa forum. His attitude can change entirely if she manages to manifest doing so.


Also, nobody give me that **** that "once an abuser, ALWAYS an abuser." Because that's totally not true and people can change. ESPECIALLY if you believe in the loa, that is the wrong mindset to have.