Hi,
I realized today that the reason that I do not reach out for help in this forum is that I am concerned about negative posting. I also discovered a huge block that has been there ever since the breakup in 2015 -- smouldering anger and resentment.

I spent months denying it, visualizing joy, covering it up, resisting it.

I intentionally stopped contact with him, except for birthday greeting, which have been warmly accepted, then I move on.

​He initially was in another relationship, but not sure what happened- it really isn't my business. He is naturally reserved, so that's normal.

​But today, I looked on his social media (something I am done doing- it doesn't help anything and only hurts me). And there she was, his latest crush, with uncharacteristic public displays of affection and fawning, hearts and flowers, as she proudly displayed a sexy shirt he sent her. My heart fell.

​I am now alternating between white hot anger and profound sadness for the years spent with him, the love and secrets shared...but never put on display in that manner.

I never realized just how angry I am about the whole thing until today. I feel that I have further jeopardized my self care and love by denying it.

​I am extremely confused. I want to cycle through this, and let it go-- for good this time. But honestly.

​I don't even know how to move on without denying how much I love him. I have managed -- with a few former lovers-- to do this, and remain friends, even still loving each other, but realizing that just because you love someone, it does not always work out a certain way. I want to get to this point with him -- not denying, not hating, not reacting, just loving and releasing. Could someone help me untangle this?