I'm not really sure which segment to post this in. I'd like your thoughts on my planned action.

In a nutshell, I met someone who I was very attracted to way back in 2006, so it is 11 and a half years now. We became friends, we fancied each other, had a few dates but it didn't progress to anything further even though it was clear we fancied each other a lot - to me it was more than that, I felt I was in love with him but I felt both of us were too scared to take it any further at the time (I've learned from that). He helped me out with computer issues and other stuff, and I did things for him. We got along very well. He moved away about 6 or 7 years back now (after he said I must go and visit him) and we did communicate very briefly after a hiatus when he apologised for the lack of contact, but it fizzled out again through him not keeping in touch. I've tried to get in touch with him over the years but he's not replied. I want to be absolutely clear I don't want to be in a love relationship with him now.

I'm sure he has lived his life, had girlfriends and so on, fine by me. What I would have liked, though, was to be friends. We had some good chats, and I am genuinely curious about what he has been up to, how life has been, that kind of thing. The sort of interaction and chat I have with my other friends, male and female. 

There is nobody in my life who I don't want in it.  I am immensely loyal to my friends and am a good friend. If I didn't want to be friends with someone and they kept trying to get in touch, arrange things etc, I would tell them, not just ignore their attempts at contact, just to be absolutely clear with them. I also make it absolutely clear if a guy goes too far that I am not interested. Life is too short for muddled messages and lack of clarity, and I would never "dump" or "ghost" someone. I'd only get someone out of my life if they were totally toxic, as real friendships survive ups and downs, forgivenesses and arguments and go on to become stronger. (I pride myself on being a good judge of character and selector of friends, however).

If I am going to do something, and tell someone I am going to do it, I do it. If I change my mind, I am clear with them and tell them why. Mainly though, I don't allow people to get close enough whom I am going to have to get out of my life. I'm very good at discerning who is appropriate and who isn't. 

I remember when I was in my teens I went on holiday with my friend and had a holiday romance with a guy from Liverpool. He turned out to be very flaky and was really horrible to me when I went over to visit him, but I still planned a visit for him to see me, which he didn't turn up for (my self-esteem and pride must have been on holiday!). I wrote him letters and he made fun of what I'd written (chatty stuff). That year he did send me a Christmas card, and later wrote (this was before the days of Facebook or social media) to say he was sorry for not showing up that time but now he wanted to visit me, but by that time I was in a quite serious relationship, so I contacted him to say sorry, he had missed the boat, but wished him well.

Going back to the guy I am writing about now, I have one means of contacting him, which is LinkedIn. I deleted his number and email address and my FB page is for business so I don't want to use that. Previous contact from me has always been chatty, how are you, wondered what's going on, fill me in, telling him a bit about what I've been up to, and so on. No mention whatsoever of missing him, wanting him, romantic things, not at all. If I were to receive an email or similar from an old friend with that sort of content, then there is no way I would ignore it. I might not be able to meet up with them if they lived far away, but I would be glad to hear from them. What harm can it do to chat like that? 

The only time I would have a problem is if it was someone unpleasant or someone I had fallen out with, but I would find a way to handle it. I'm a perfectly normal, rational, sensible person with tons of good friends so I know there is nothing wrong with me, that I am not socially inept or a bunny boiler. I don't understand it. 

I never fell out with this guy. He blanked me, then it was the sporadic contact which, as I say, fizzled and then him refusing to reply to me. 

However I plan to contact him one last time, and say that I have wondered over the years how he has been getting on, with the same sort of chat, and then say that I notice he has ignored all contact from me, and ask why - because I had thought we had been friends and on that basis I would like to remain so. If I have upset him in any way for him to blank me, I'd like him to tell me, and if he doesn't want to stay in touch then please tell me that too, and I will respect his wishes and leave him alone in the future. 

What do you think? Would anyone else do this? I would never have done it when I was younger because I thought I was cutting off the only means of contact and would "lose" that person. But now I think we teach people how to treat us. 

Or would you remotely influence them and visualise? Because I honestly do not think he would ever randomly think of contacting me, and he lives 300+ miles away so I'm not going to bump into him locally.

I'd love your thoughts. Thanks. 
 

Last edited by PrettyFlamingo (5/31/2017 9:11 pm)