Hi, all!

So my beloved split up with me a couple of nights ago after almost a year and a half together. I had some indications that it was coming, as I've been having a particularly hard time with anxiety and depression lately and we had a bit of a hard time with it over the holidays while we were out of town together.

He said that he "can't trust my perceptions or judgments of people or situations" because of my fearful hypervigilance and that it's too negative for him and that he's tired of feeling that he has to defend people to me all the time. He tried SO hard for a long time to be supportive, caring, helpful, and comforting, but I was too frightened to allow myself to feel safe and live in the present. I was heartbroken, panicked, and devastated, especially since our vacation had been a wakeup call for me and I had already started doing serious work to change these issues in myself. I told him that, but he said "I believe that you can do it, I believe that you will do it, but I can't be there for it. It's over."

His body language and manner of speaking made it very clear to me that he was not rejecting me, but rather forcing himself to do it because he felt like he had to. He clearly loves me and even said that he would miss me. There was obviously a big part of him that did not want  to and was scared, so he was shutting down to make it easier. In retrospect, I am seeing this as encouraging. Also, he wants to stay friends after we give things some time and space, but I am also very good friends with all of his roommates and we have not yet made arrangements to return/take back the things we have at each other's homes. "No rush", he said. We're obviously going to stay in contact to some degree and see each other from time to time in the future. He obviously has doubts about his decision. We even held each other for a little while and talked quietly before I left. I told him I would miss him and he said he would miss me too. He had tears in his eyes even if he was putting on a tough front.

To me, as devastated and sad as this has made me, these things are all encouraging. We love each other more than we've ever loved anyone and by his own admission, our relationship is incredibly special. I knew in my gut from the very beginning that he was the guy, the one I'm meant to spend my life with.

Even that night after I left his house, this non-anxious little voice in the back of my head kept saying "You're ok. Do the work, he's coming back." These issues I have (the result of past experiences of hurt, abuse, abandonment, and trauma) have sabotaged me and my life for far too long. He believes that I will successfully do the work, but in his experience "it takes years".

Well, he's going to be surprised. It DOESN'T have to take years and he will see. It's a new year and today is (to quote a cliche) the first day of the rest of my life. I have purchased both "25 Day Challenge" and the Ex book and have already started on day 1, after spending the whole day in bed yesterday not eating; just crying, reading, talking to friends on the phone, and numbly watching Netflix.

I must do this. For myself and not just for him, although I want him back more than anything. My only worry is that he will not allow himself to trust me again. That he will force himself to "stay strong" and not risk it. He's extremely stubborn and resolute, so how can I help address this while I do the work?

Should I send him lots of heart energy and trust and love? Should I consistently visualize him softening and being open and trusting? I feel like this is the only real thing that would impede my progress, worrying about this aspect. Help?

Edit:

Right after I posted this, my Spotify started playing this song. I've always said that RuPaul is my spirit animal, but come on.


 

Last edited by BellaLupa (1/08/2017 12:00 pm)