Well it's been long time since I posted something here. It's been I guess a year since I came across with LOA and very thankful with it.

There was a time that I feel like everything is falling into place. And there are days when I feel like what's going on? Where am I heading?

I had been trying to manifest my ex back. So far we are still not together but it's on its way. My last post last December when him and me met at a cafe. After that no contact at all and I remain blocked in all means of communication. Like I guess everyone, I feel low then ok and the back again. But somehow decided to go with the flow. I had been focusing on my job.

Last April, no thoughts of him and just chatting with friends. He send me a txt message. The first message was only my name on it. I replied with a yes. Then he said he cannot forget what we have together. He wanted to see me but I'm working in company where ladies leaving in a company accommodation has curfew. I was not able to see him. However, he said he is coming back very soon he just need time to think. He doesnt know what he wants and it's difficult. I asked him what makes it difficult. He answered his desire. At that time I don't understand so I told him to take a rest at maybe he will have clear understanding the next day. He was sending me messages but he seemed drunk. I was happy and I thought this is the start. However, after that, I never heard from him again. I cannot help it as human it makes me sad and confuse.

Last June, I received a phone call from a number that is not registered on my phone book. It was him. He was just checking how am I. Then followed asking if I have someone else or I have forgotten him. Well I honestly answered no. I asked him what happened to him when he send me messages. He admitted he was drunk and told me that if someone is drunk normally he is speaking from his heart. He told me he doesn't want to be forgotten because he is selfish. And well he ended the call by saying he will call me again.

A few minutes he called me in Skype. We talked sometimes with a smile and laughing. He said he wants us to be together but not now. He needs to clear things first. And I ask what does he has to do. He answered maybe I will be a second wife. That hits me and so I ask why. He dismissed it later he will tell me I need to be patient for now. In my head, the word pregnant came to me. So ask him, is the other girl pregnant. He smiled and was silent, then he answered yes. I cannot help but my mood change. He said don't think let me do the thinking. He tried to change the topic but it doesn't change my mood at all. I was hurt, deeply hurt. He said they broke up and a week later she came to him to tell him that she is pregnant. He doesn't want it. He said that girl was a mistake. But he has to stay, because she is a Muslim from a Muslim country. She will be in trouble if she goes home pregnant outside marriage. She can be jailed. So they plan to get married just for her to have a paper. He said he can't do anything. He cant kill himself. All this time he was talking, what I was thinking was what about me when I was pregnant in a Muslim country he was not there for me. I could be jailed for it and he abandoned me. And I have to be thankful no matter how it hurts that I had a miscarriage. Now, this lady has the baby and will also have him. And I asked him what he wants, he raised his voice and said I want you. He ended the conversation when he feels we are sad and can't talk well. I spent the whole night in tears.

Next day was my birthday, he sent me a birthday greeting. He supposed to see me but I was outside with my friends so he said tomorrow. But he never showed up or call to cancel. I spend another day in tears. Everyone said give it up it's no use. I have to use my head. There is no hope.

I emailed Veronica. I told her why did the universe choose a very painful path for him to realize it. I still love him but I also feel guilty. I know what it feels to be pregnant and I will take away the father of that baby. What she told me is that I need to see the positive in it that he finally realize. I need to be happy about it and believed that a miracle can happen. I should still use my heart because it can still make logical decision.

A few days after, his nephew message me in Facebook. He said he will have an interview on his uncle company and needs help. He wants to improve his English and ask me if I can do a practice interview. So he called me in Skype and my ex sister was there. We talked and ended being friends as well in FB. I was happy. It has been wishing to be friend with one of his family. I never get to met or in contact with one of them because he told they want someone else for him. And now it happens, when we are not together. Some of my friends told me you are hurting yourself by giving hope. But I cant accept that.

Last July 28, while in FCO airport, I lost my wallet. All the people who are close to me are also in travel. I dont have money as soon as I get back to Doha. I can't go to my accommodation. So I sent him a message because I don't have a choice. Although, in all this time of using LOA, I wanted to contact me first. I told him I am sorry to bother him but I need a small favor. He usually don't reply but this he did. I read it late because I was already chatting with a friend on is also in an airport in another country. I was asking her as to when and what time she will arrive Doha so I can go with her. Because I did not reply, he called me. I told him what happened. He called me 4 times before I reached the airport to check me up. He picked me up as well. He took me to a restaurant and we ate. On that meeting, he was a bit different. He was silent most of the time like a person that is bothered. I felt like I am the one who talked a lot when it used to be him. The girl sent him a message abd he said there goes the headache. I asked him if she knows, he said no and he doesn't care if she will know. He asked me with a smile, are you ready to be a second wife? With that, I can't answer. I can't hide my sadness and so he said let's not ruin your mood. You came from a long flight and tired. And I told him, you are asking me to choose you but you are giving ne a reason. He said that because he knows I love him. And that reason saddens me because I wish he would say because he loves me. So I told him but you are taking it for granted. He quietly answered no because I would not have a desire to have 2 wives. He is a Muslim as well but he wanted only 1. It's like his implying that because of the situation, he needs to marry 2. We were quiet while he was driving until we reached my accommodation. We bid goodbye silently.

Well, I can't get it off my head. I don't want to be a second wife because I don't want them to get married. Of course, anyone would want to be the only one to married to and not feel like a second option.  I tried to watch romantic movies so I would not give up. But am I still doing this right? Or should I just let this go? But I dont want to say LOA did not work for me.