I got the job I had always wanted about 6 months ago and though it has been a challenge, I have largely been enjoying it, but I have made some silly mistakes.  These were mistakes of ignorance really, things I didn't know, and didn't know that I didn't know, because no-one told me. Some have been my own fault, because of multi-tasking and working in a busy noisy environment when I prefer peace and quiet to focus, at times.  I know we all make mistakes and the thing is to learn from them. 

I have had very little induction and been left to get on with things that I don't know about, feeling my way intuitively and learning as I go along, of which making mistakes is a part. I've been left to do things without any context which makes it difficult to understand. 

The previous job I had (and the one before that, actually) were in organisations where a blame culture predominated and I suppose I expect the same. I suppose I fear what could happen if I don't get everything perfect, and that is what I need to work on. I beat myself up when I get things pointed out to me that I have got wrong, or not done, or whatever.  I had a snarky email from a colleague the other day and it really got to me.  I am far from stupid, and this is not a lack of capability but of understanding and clarity. If things are explained to me, in context, and I have the resources to do something, I can do it. 

I am asking myself if I made a mistake leaving my old role - that I was unhappy in.  To be honest, I have never 100% loved any job I have had.  I have always thought I have got it wrong in my working life. Always. 

My other observation, or question, is that do we get the things we want only to find out they aren't for us at all?  I am asking myself if this really is my dream job after all, and did I want it only to prove to myself that I could get it, and do it well?  But I am not achieving the latter, I am afraid.  I've worked through lunches, stayed late, taken work home at weekends, and still I don't seem to be getting it right, or matching up to the previous postholder. 

I suppose it also taps into my most primordial fear. That is of not having a job, not being able to provide for myself, and losing my house.  That underlies everything in my life - I am not afraid of not having a partner or a relationship, this is my biggest fear.

My dream working life would be doing a variety of different things that feed my passions on a freelance basis, but I need to work to pay my mortgage, bills and so on in the meantime. 

In the meantime, I really need to feel better about myself in the workplace.