Hi everyone,

I have been a long time lurker, and finally decided to make an account. You all are just so wonderful and supportive to one another and I want to be a part of this community. 

So to keep it short, I've been on and off with this one guy for three years. Through the loa, I noticed that my fears and anxieties are what have been keeping him away and acting in the ways I don't like, but the past doesn't really matter. We're still friendly, hang out, and have an undefined fwb situation (which I'm not the biggest fan of), but the reason I keep holding on to him is because I have never felt this way about someone before, I don't like thinking of my life without him and moving on, and he has told me before that he knows that if he really did commit to me that we would be together for a long time...a great sign, right?

Well then he goes on to say how he doesn't want a serious relationship now, but he likes everything about me (he went on to list all of the things), and how our dynamic would never work out. Each time we have broken it off, he has given some lame excuse, but then he is always the one to come back and then change his mind.

This is where I need your help: I think he changes his mind like this because I let my fears and doubts creep in. He means so much to me and I love being with him, but then when I'm away from him for a while, I start to doubt us and my feelings for him and whether I want to be with him, but then I see him and all of those fears and doubts flood out. I don't like these thoughts and I don't know how to get rid of them other than seeing him. These doubts don't happen all of the time, because we have had long successful bouts and I have been happy, but when they do, I don't know how to not go down the rabbit hole.

I feel silly when I have these doubts though, because I am not interested in anyone else nor do I want to be, and I always try to figure out ways I can see him. I have hope because I can see a future with him, and he has told me he can, too, and his mom even once talked about us being married!

I know this can happen, but I don't know how to get rid of my doubts/fears and quit letting them eat me alive, because it's starting to become obsessive, and I don't feel like myself anymore. I now don't want to be happy without him (I know I can), but I keep feeling this awful feeling when I'm happy and he's not there. I think because it feels like I am moving on without him, and that's the opposite of what I want. I try to focus on myself and I do go out and have fun, it's just that I realize that some of these decisions are fear based on if he will reach out to me or if he will be in my life. Please help me get on track.

I can't tell you how much hope your stories help me, and I really look forward to your input <3