i know exactly what i want. i am firm in the belief that this is what i want. i have unwavering knowing. i have no doubt. ok.

  so i have launched the rockets. i know that my love is in my vortex since it is an unwavering desire. i have never wavered since meeting him. my life with him is in my vortex.

  i know i have to clean up my vibration. oh honey i know, and its obvious because i am so depressed that tears fall even when i am not thinking about anything, of course also its hormones and my hormones are all over the place at the same time. menopausal, depressed and sometimes the beginning of anger. now anger is weird for me as i cant remember that last time i got angry. its been years and years...i am not one that feels anger.

  i am calm perky silly and loving. i am very easy going. i am always smiling and laughing. people are attracted to to be with me. i am the women that uplifts everyone, i am the women that strangers and friends open up to for guidance and loving energy. people come to me, and i am a facilitator for changing lives in positive loving ways. all these things are why my love fell in love with me. he tells me i have changed his life in profound ways. he praises me daily for what i have brought into his life.

  then my love, this beauitiful, beautiful man,  began to listen to negative videos for hours and hours. videos of anger and hate. and he projected that out to me all at once. lashed out at me and i was thrown off balance, because i was so happy to see him, so happy that i had an epiphany to share with him, so happy to share something postive with him in that moment, and he was so into his anger from what he had been listening to he couldnt hear me. he was in turmoil. and instead of holding that space and being the women he needed me to be in that momemt i said "i cant listen to this anymore" and walked away. just like his mom did, just like his step mother did, just like his grandmother and just like so many other women in his life. i just provided evidence to his belief to hate women because they abandon you. i regret it every day. i wish i could go back, i would be that strong woman he needed instead of the sensitive women i was in that moment. i wish i could rewind it and erase it all from happening. i can see at all so clearly and it replays in my mind. i have been able to put myself into his body and feel everything from his perspective, as if i am him, in his life, experienced everything as if i "AM" him. its one of my gifts, yet i havent mastered how to do it in the moment all the time, its after the fact. i have not heard from him ever since. i have apologized and told him of my awareness. and now i am in this place of regret and longing for him. i didnt know in that moment that he would feel abandoned and that the consequence for my action would be that he would choose to shut me out of his life.

  right now i am finding i am not wanting to uplift another. it takes all my energy to breath and get through the day. i would like to talk to another uplifter. its the strangest thing that for whatever reason it appears that i have been thrust into this journey to travel alone. i am aware that its just my perception because it is what i have observed. the observation being the only time i talk to another is with clients who come to me for uplifting and for me to make them feel better...( which i am feeling a bit of resentment towards them for because it feels like i have nothing to give them, who am i to uplift them when i am feeling the way i feel? how can i help them when i too could use some help?  my smile feels like a mask...my face feels hard ) the rest of my time is spent in silence...

  this is where i am in this moment, and the moments up to this moment. how do i get from here where i am to there? "there" ~ being in my vortex with the love of my life. i asked this yesterday out loud to myself. i haven't heard the answer yet from my inner guide.

  my inner voice sounds silent right now. which is another reason i feel cut off. i have quiet mind, i always have had a quiet mind, a very quiet mind. i dont have thoughts running through my mind like chatter. people talk about it, i dont know what thats like.  when i express that i am in silence, i do mean that. alone with my quiet mind where there is no thought. its silent, quiet. as i am quiet. 

  i understand that i need to change how i feel, this is know. but how do i get from here to there? i am purposely and consciously doing things to bring about a change in my feeling. so far it feels empty. belly dancing, going to the gym, going to the pool. being outside during the day and night feeling the breeze on my skin, observing and appreciating the trees sky and clouds, appreciating the purple martins that have nested on my porch whose eggs have just hatched and they fly over me back and forth to feed their babies. 

  doing feels like effort. i feel like right now i dont want to do. doing is just too much effort. i just want to be. that i have no energy for doing. i "do" because i also understand that doing, such as belly dancing hanging out at the pool and going to the gym, can lift endorphins and help shift my feeling from sadness to a better feeling place. and i so very much want that shift so i "do".

  how can i get there from here? how can i allow what i want and so very much desire to come to me? how do i get into a state of allowing when i feel regret and longing? regret that i was not who he needed me to be in that moment. this beautiful, beautiful man that i love. where was the love in me saying "i cant listen to this any more" and walking away. his words didnt feel good, he wasnt in a good place, it really had nothing to do with me, it was his own personal turmoil, if he were a client i wouldnt have walked away, but with this beautiful, beautiful man i left him in his turmoil to deal with his turmoil alone...where is the love in that?

  so how do i get there from here? with the guilt that i feel....with the anger at myself...with all this awareness...how do i get there from here?

Last edited by waterlilli (6/13/2016 10:51 am)