Hi everyone. You probably know me a little from PLOA.

I have been a little shy about telling my story, because it is different from others. My love I am wanting to be back with is someone I met online in 2004, and we had a whole group of mutual friends, so it wasn't a one on one thing where I met him on some dating site or something. We had a very intense long distance relationship, but it ended after 6 months. We got together again in 2008, and again it was intense, but short lived. We got back into contact in 2011, when he emailed me an apology and thanking me for being there for him, and him saying I deserved far better. We tried to just maintain contact as friends, and in 2012, I jumped at the chance (admittedly, a bit blindly. It was more out of determination than inspired action) to finally see him face to face, and flew out to his place. It wasn't a catfish thing, so don't go there in your mind! We have Skyped since we first met, and spent hours talking every day that we were together. He was no stranger to me. We talked about marriage, and in 2008 he had even hoped for me to move in with him. He has a son as well, so that was a huge thing. I can't stress to you guys how much we weren't strangers, but trying to remind myself I don't need to justify myself to anyone.

However, before I even got off the plane, he had pulled away from me. He started worrying like crazy over text while I was en route. When I got there, not only was it terrible timing (his son's birthday weekend!), but I was so sick with allergies that I could hardly talk. It was a disaster. I thought that this would be the thing to cure me of him. He treated me terribly as well. I was SHOCKED. Some months after I left, he told me we would never be together again. He didn't have real reasons, just said I wouldn't understand. 

Our channels of contact are open, meaning if I reached out to him, he'd respond, and vice versa. I haven't talked to him since the beginning of this year.

I have done my best to push feelings for him away. Too many things to name. But...even if I haven't thought of him for months, the feeling of love for him slams into me. It's a purely spiritual experience. It's hard to convey. I feel intense love for him, and feel that neither of us were truly representing ourselves during our visit. I feel that we had so many years of pressure on this meeting, and that it brought out the worst in us. It wasn't my looks, or his looks. He seemed to have freaked out before I got there, and refused to give us a chance. He has always felt he wasn't good enough for me, so there's that, too.

I don't know what really happened. I am 100% certain it was a vibrational issue, as everything is. I know that it's been 11 years now, and while I've been with a couple of other people, no one satisfies me, and my heart and mind and soul still long for him. 

I don't even know what I'm asking. Is this a lost cause? What have the last 11 years of loving him meant? Our relationship, whether we were in contact or not, has been the basis of HUGE spiritual strides for me. It's how I came to watch The Secret, and follow the LOA rabbit hole, because I knew there had to be a reason why I loved this man this much, and in the face of our breakup(s), still believed we were meant to be together.