This isn't me asking for advice, more like wondering if I am understanding this right. So everyone knows I have this pattern happening with my darling. One minute he is sweet, the next he becomes very harsh. So then I had to understand not him, but me. I know it's me causing it, then I realized something.

Yesterday, on my birthday it became the most clear. He would keep calling me a *****, and be cold. Then the next minute he will be worried because I caught an infection. So he would check to see if I am okay because it seems like his feelings come through whenever something happens to me. Not that I am doing that on purpose, I am just very clumsy and fragile.

So he would show signs of panicking and saying he doesn't want me to die. As if he is worrying a bit too much about me. He doesn't want to know all my problems because he will get stressed. The stress is him worrying too much about me. He told me he has a hero complex awhile back and then I wondered if it bothers him that we aren't living together right now because he can't protect me.

But it wasn't until he told me he wanted to get hit by a car that I understood the pattern. I told him not to think that kind of thing and told me not to be a *****, when I was worrying. The same way he worries about my well being, I worry about his. The pattern of him being sweet than cold to me reminds me how I praise myself and then I would lecture myself if I screw up.

He is pretty much acting out everything in my head. How I am kind to myself, than harsh to myself. How I worry too much about him. It made me realize how little I have actually been valuing myself. I pretty much have doubt like someone said in my potential to make my life better. My concern is not all on him, it's on my ability to ever be my best self. I end up feeling like I will never be the person I want to become.

So I make things far more complicated for myself. Although, to have it affect my darling on top of that is horrible. It's like I am indirectly dragging him down with me. I need to really pull myself back up because I really want to become the person I always dreamed myself to be. I read through a lot of the posts here for notes.

Last edited by holistichealing (2/25/2016 5:03 pm)