I'm at the point that I don't care to do this anymore. I'm not sad or unhappy by any sort. Things are going very well. I love my new job, school is going well, I've made new friends etc. I feel very pretty these days, very accomplished. I'm just exhausted with the whole Austin thing. I'm tired of talking about him, thinking about him, making my day around having to focus on the aspects of attracting him. It may be annoying to read since I've pretty much got him where I want him, but if I'm constantly having to act as if, vis and what not, then I'd rather him just go. I have two jobs now, I'm a full time student, I have our son on my own in Manhattan. Absolutely NO family lives in the northeast with me. I've got a lot to handle, and I'm blessed to have all these things. I cannot let Austin seep into all of these other things and distract me and be my entire life again. All the stuff I have to do to make him apart of my day to day life is too much. I'm a really great woman. I have so much to offer. If he can't see on his own, without my having to work for it, that I'm amazing then oh well. There are a lot of great people that recognize it. For the first time, I genuinely feel like I don't care what happens or even if I end up with anyone. Being in my own is liberating. I've learned a lot about myself in such a short period. I'm still going to be active in the forum, but I'm attracting different things now like a new apartment, more money, that sort of thing. My focus is not on love (except self love), which makes me the odd one out up here, I guess.

Yeah, berryluv, maybe my exhaustion is because it's my form of letting go or I just didn't like the way I went about techniques. I don't know. It was starting to make me feel negative toward Austin though. :/

There was a knowing, I felt like I was thinking of him too much and it was annoying me. I don't know how to describe it but I'm feeling very nonchalant about it all and want to focus on finishing school and getting my apartment.

There's a lot of stuff about Austin that I don't post here because that's his business and his family's business but there is so much work that would have to go into changing things he's doing that I don't feel like doing it. I can't fix a broken bird. He has to heal himself. I'm tired of the disappearing and reappearing act that comes along with addiction because he wants to run from his childhood. I've made excuses for him for so long, but he's a 24 year old man and if he wants the help it's been offered to him and I'm tired of his family turning to me to fix it. It's a lot. If something changes then that's wonderful but I don't want to think of it anymore. The relationship is secondary to me. If it happens in the future, cool. If not, okay. Right now my focus is on me and getting him to a healthy space again because he's fallen back into bad habits.

Thank you dear. We're not going out until it passes on Monday. Aha

I mean, honestly this is starting to piss me off. I have loved this guy unconditionally for years. So much so that I didn't date or sleep with anyone, etc with the exception of one short lived relationship. He was a wonderful guy that treated me very well and I left him because of my feelings for Austin being so overwhelming. This isn't a quality issue. He's a heroin addict and an alcoholic. This isn't something I "dislike." This is me seeing a person I love killing himself. There are many times he could have almost died. Out of everyone in his life there is a reason he still comes to me about everything. Because he knows I'll accept him with open arms, maintain his trust, and love him no matter what he tells me. This isn't about loving him. This is about being exhausted from trying to rid him of the coping mechanisms he's not ready to give up right now. And if everyone feels that I should keep on holding on to a relationship with someone that can't help but walk out on me , his child, and the rest of his family periodically while he plunges in and out of these issues, then I'm sorry to tell you that isn't happening. I'm still going to be there for him. I'll always be there for him because we have something special and if he needs me he knows where I am, but I'm no longer looking for something romantic from him because having it now is not what's best for him. Right now he needs to be selfish and keep to himself, see what's best for him instead of feeling the pressure of this and holding a family together. I've ignored this problem for years now (started in 2012) because all I thought of was how he was with me, how unique he was from everyone I'd ever met, his intelligence, talent, etc while what was going on was pushed away, especially when he would have periods of sobriety and all will be well. This is just getting me super angry right now. I need to log off.