When he was in hospital for example he asked me for specific pics to turn him on at one point. I told him that I wouldn't do that as he has a girlfriend and he would say "I don't care about her". Furthermore, I would have found it tacky if he had been single as well because he had ignored me all these months before, he didn't care when I was in hospital and not when I had to put my cat down. He also knew how hurt I was.

When we were still on friendly terms I had cancer fear. I had a malign mole and they didn't know if it had spread, all went well thank god but it were horrible 8 days until I got the results. He knew about that and he only wrote a FB message after three days and lied to me that he was working while in truth he was with Sandy at a concert and having a great time - mutual friends saw them and told me later.

I want to be kind and nice and I have forgiven him for so many things but I don't want to become a doormat just to make this work. Some of the things he's done - some worse than the mentioned - I can't forget easily. I tried to understand him. Like with the mole/concert thing I made myself believe that maybe he thought it wasn't that serious etc.

That's why I think no contact would be best but I unblocked him now and told him that it was harsh of me but I won't contact him as I feel he has no interest in it now anyway. I think he will read it but never reply. It has always been like that when he's with Sandy. I don't even know if he can take me serious anymore.

Amy blocked him everywhere and since then he tries to contact her again and again via phone. Sometimes I think he only wants women that don't want him.

As for the therapy. My therapist had personal problems and wasn't able to remain professional anymore. I had no experience so didn't notice it before it was too late. She helped me with some techniques re fear but told me after a while that I was nothing, a zero and I wouldn't ever be someone. I wasn't stable back then and believed her. She treated other patients the same and later closed her practice and is working in another profession nowadays. Back then I also talked about the break up with her and that I thought it didn't feel right, but she forced me to block him. Which I didn't do, but she insisted I should never get together with him anymore. Anyway, that's another story and she had many personal problems.

I can stop writing him quite easily. Something like this hasn't happened for months anymore but it just makes me so sad to see he's online all day long and ignores me. And I just asked if he's well or sent him good wishes maybe once a week. I don't even know why he stopped talking. If I ask I will not get a reply either.

This makes me all think if it's worth it, if I should let myself be treated like that. I don't expect thanks for me being nice, I was just honestly interested how he is...

Cahira wrote:

Only two or three times. I bought her books around Christmas. I once had a really good time with it and felt pretty aroused afterwards but it seemed like he avoids me even more after I do it? How often should I use this technique?

Like with anything else, you don't just use it a time or two and give up because nothing has happened yet. You've got to be consistent and give things a chance.

distance-and-time wrote:

Cahira wrote:

Only two or three times. I bought her books around Christmas. I once had a really good time with it and felt pretty aroused afterwards but it seemed like he avoids me even more after I do it? How often should I use this technique?

That happened with me too, once i started the techniques he started distancing himself. That just means it's working, but they're not used to the strong feelings so they try to resist/escape for a period of time. Try being more consistent with it, they can't deny their feelings forever

 
I wonder if that's what mine was doing. After over a year of no contact, having found a way to contact him again, he seemed keen to read my innocuous messages, and then he blocked me.

Cynthia wrote:

Cahira wrote:

When he was in hospital for example he asked me for specific pics to turn him on at one point. I told him that I wouldn't do that as he has a girlfriend and he would say "I don't care about her". Furthermore, I would have found it tacky if he had been single as well because he had ignored me all these months before, he didn't care when I was in hospital and not when I had to put my cat down. He also knew how hurt I was.

When we were still on friendly terms I had cancer fear. I had a malign mole and they didn't know if it had spread, all went well thank god but it were horrible 8 days until I got the results. He knew about that and he only wrote a FB message after three days and lied to me that he was working while in truth he was with Sandy at a concert and having a great time - mutual friends saw them and told me later.

I want to be kind and nice and I have forgiven him for so many things but I don't want to become a doormat just to make this work. Some of the things he's done - some worse than the mentioned - I can't forget easily. I tried to understand him. Like with the mole/concert thing I made myself believe that maybe he thought it wasn't that serious etc.

That's why I think no contact would be best but I unblocked him now and told him that it was harsh of me but I won't contact him as I feel he has no interest in it now anyway. I think he will read it but never reply. It has always been like that when he's with Sandy. I don't even know if he can take me serious anymore.

Amy blocked him everywhere and since then he tries to contact her again and again via phone. Sometimes I think he only wants women that don't want him.

As for the therapy. My therapist had personal problems and wasn't able to remain professional anymore. I had no experience so didn't notice it before it was too late. She helped me with some techniques re fear but told me after a while that I was nothing, a zero and I wouldn't ever be someone. I wasn't stable back then and believed her. She treated other patients the same and later closed her practice and is working in another profession nowadays. Back then I also talked about the break up with her and that I thought it didn't feel right, but she forced me to block him. Which I didn't do, but she insisted I should never get together with him anymore. Anyway, that's another story and she had many personal problems.

I can stop writing him quite easily. Something like this hasn't happened for months anymore but it just makes me so sad to see he's online all day long and ignores me. And I just asked if he's well or sent him good wishes maybe once a week. I don't even know why he stopped talking. If I ask I will not get a reply either.

This makes me all think if it's worth it, if I should let myself be treated like that. I don't expect thanks for me being nice, I was just honestly interested how he is...

I had written you a long reply and it suddenly disappeared, I don't know why.
I was saying that I think you really have to decide whether you really want this person back and if it is for the right reasons. The right reasons would be because you really love him and want to mend your relationship and have a better one in future. The wrong ones would be because you want to be his first choice again and win out over other girls, because you are jealous of him having somebody else, because it would make you feel better about yourself to have him back, and things of that nature.

You've been obsessing over this person and what he's been doing and who he's with, and that isn't healthy for you. You have said yourself that you have been doing all of the wrong things and getting the opposite of what you want, but you can't seem to stop yourself. If you can describe what he is doing on social media all day, that means you must be looking at it all day. What do you hope to gain by doing that? Feeling worse about everything I would imagine is all that's going to happen from stalking his social media. I have personal contact with the people in my life, such as real phone calls where we talk to each other directly with our voices. I just don't know why people don't do that more nowadays. It's so much more of a personal connection with somebody than texting them, for example. I abhor social media anyway. It's such a waste of time when people could be doing so much more productive things with their lives. Everybody has got a finite amount of time in their life and should be making the most of it and to waste it like that just seems incredible to me. When I was forced to sign up on fb to get technical support for something I'm doing and I found my person there and had to send him a friend request, I had a quick look at his page, and I was absolutely repulsed by what he had on there and questioned if I really wanted him back in my life. This is a 58 year old who had such juvenile things on there that you would have thought a preteen boy had put them there. I would never want to look at that again even if he hadn't blocked me.  I've seen more than enough. In fact, I wish I could unsee it. He's got some family members on there and I know who they are, but I have no interest in stalking them either or even giving a couple of them more than a very quick glance once and not bothering with any of the others. That was more than enough, too.

If you decide that you really want this person back for the right reasons, you've got to stop rehashing the past. To keep on dwelling on what he did, how he lied, how he did this, that or the other and hurt you is not going to get you anywhere. It obviously only makes you feel bad, and it's not getting you where you say you want to be.  Even when you've said you have decided on no contact, which I think at this point has become imperative because all you can possibly be doing is annoying him at best and creating more and more of a rift between you with more and more bad feelings, you keep on contacting him anyway to tell him you've unblocked him again because it was harsh and any other excuse you can come up with. You say you know better but you keep doing these things. You've got to retrain your mind to focus away from the undesirable and dwell more on the desirable things. You've given him reason to think that you're unstable by these desperate actions you've been taking. That is the opposite of what you say you want, and until you stop this and change your thinking and imagining, all you're going to do is create more of what you don't want. Nobody here is going to do it for you. We can make suggestions and tell you what we think you need to do, but you're the one who has got to make the changes for yourself.  Do whatever you can, however small you might think it is, to start making the changes you need to make. Don't beat yourself up if you can't go from one extreme to the other of being extremely negative to extremely positive. I was brought up with extreme negativity for many, many years, and  it's been a struggle not to think the way that I was so strongly programmed to be, and I can only do my best and keep trying to get it right, that's all anybody can do is their best. You don't have to be perfect, just start improving bit by bit.

He sounds like he's been insensitive to your feelings. It might be because he's just that way for some reason, or it could be because he feels very hurt by you and that's how he's been paying you back. I don't personally believe in doing tit for tat because it obviously only creates more bad feelings and more distance between people.

Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat for anybody. If you asked anybody who knew me, they would tell you that I am not remotely like a doormat, but I do try to be kind and compassionate toward people, and if I don't feel like I can do that because they really get up my nose, I try to avoid them most of the time. When I have said something to them, I've toned it down dramatically over what I really wanted to say.

This is all about making choices. Right now the choices you are making are taking you further and further away from what you say you want. You can change this right now if you really want to. Even if it's difficult for you, it can be done. It might take you some practice to make the necessary changes, but it is not impossible at all. 

Thank you, Cynthia! I've also written a long reply but it disappeared. I will reply later from my PC properly.

Last edited by Cahira (2/07/2018 2:36 am)