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10/23/2018 6:27 am  #11


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

I have been in touch and saw both friends over the weekend but this feeling is lingering although I did not show it.  Just kind of feel the need to be by myself right now for a few days...I am not sure that I will address it with them...it's also been a few weeks now.  The other day I watched a video about feminine energy and how this one woman who was in a similar situation decided to just let go and used silence as a tool to change things around for her and those friends of hers came around and she did not have to do anything.  But I do see your point and as I am also a straight forward kind of person, and like to have things out in the open.  Thing is is that some time has already passed so I am not sure whether rehashing things will necessarily be helpful.  Thank you!

 

10/23/2018 10:42 am  #12


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

monarcopia wrote:

Hi Sanshi,
Thank you for your response.  I am just thinking back to how I felt about myself before this occurred and I think I loved myself...at least enough to recognize that I am being treated poorly (although I am quite sure that their behaviour was not intentional) and I don't want to punish anyone but at the same time I don't want people to just walk all over me (as I am not a doormat) because I did nothing to deserve that. Of course I am a work in progress so there is always room for improvement . That's just my POV .

It's not about loving youself - it never was and it will never be. It's much deeper than that. And I don't know what your definition of loving yourself is, but for me the most important thing is not to hurt yourself and when you recognize that you are being treated poorly, you do hurt yourself (I assume that it feels bad to you here).

You have two options here. Either you choose a conventional route (this could be a) not saying anything because you are afraid of losing your friends, b) talk about how you felt in a calm way, c) to snap on them, d) withdrawing a bit, e) no contact f) whatever). Everything but maybe option b will make you unhappy in one way or the other. Either you end up lonely or you feel treated like a doormat and as you feel that way they will keep treating you like this. Option b would probably be the best from a conventional standpoint. But in my experience, it won't help. It will happen again and again. Different scenarios, same feeling and at some point, you can't choose option b anymore, because you are so hurt and you realize that talking doesn't help. Until you change your feelings, bad experiences will sum up, the relationships will become more tensed and eventually it won't be much left.

The second option is to take responsibility, even if you can't see at the moment what in you caused this to happen. You would acknowledge that everyone is just reacing to you and has no chance to act any other way. You could then revise the situation. You could start to dive deeper and figure out what it is you really feel. You could start to change this and imagine way better than you do now. Soon, you would hardly be able to remember the incident and it wouldn't matter anyway, because you had a great relationship with your two friends.

It's of course your choice what you do and how you interpret things. But until you are willing to take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, you will mostly waste your time with LoA. It doesn't work very well in combination with conventional thinking.


"Self-abandonment. That is the secret. We have to abandon ourselves to the state, in our love for the state, and in so doing live the life of the state and no more our present state. And to make the state alive, one must become it."

Neville Goddard ~ The Law and the Promise
 

10/24/2018 7:32 am  #13


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

monarcopia wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I am sort of seeking some advice...regarding friendships and boundaries.  Recently (sometime at the beginning of summer) I connected with two new friends and I see them regularly on a monthly basis.  Both of them are older then me (I am 37 and one of them is in her 40s and the other in her late 60s, and they also know eachother and have known eachother longer then I either of them).  It  has been many years (probably over a decade or longer) since I had friends...it was a difficult time and although I somehow learned to be alone, I often felt deep loneliness.  In any case,  about two months ago, I got invited to go on a bit of a road trip to a cabin up north for a few days by these ladies and I really wanted to go because I felt I needed to get away to relax ( I haven't had a real holiday in 14 years, so I,ve been feeling quite drained emotionally and physically).  Initially, the plan was that I would be going along but the first and second trip didn't work out because of the weather and then one of my friends became ill so the date was postponed (also I,ve never announced that I hadn't been away anywhere for 14 years) but a few weeks ago, once one of my friends got over her illness, they ended up travelling there and I kind of got left behind or excluded.  Am sure it wasn't intentional but to be honest, I felt ignored and invisible. One of the reasons that I am a bit upset is that I don't get many opportunities to go away from my problems...well...really almost ever so that amplified my emotions. Hopefully, I am not being over dramatic, I hope but these are just the feelings I have been experiencing.  In a way I feel a bit of resentment but mostly hurt.  And I don't want to feel invisible ...think that's understandable. The question I have is that, I don't want to guilt trip my friends but at the same time I don't want to be hmmm...disrespected again? Would that be the right word? So, I am looking for some advice on how to handle this. Should I sort of distance myself from them for a bit? Any thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated.  Thank you.
Anna

I am in a fairly similar situation   but I am the old one     and the other ladies are  late20's and about 38 yrs old     
Perhaps  as the trip was cancelled     you were thinking  disappointment  and  the lack of proper holiday     its been about 15 years for me   as well by the way        and twice with different people in the past couple of months   I have had the same situation     planning a holiday   and the plans fall flat        I think we both need to  be more excited   and maybe even   start to plan  packing that sort of thing    get really excited    
but make sure you let your friends know    you would LOVE to go on holiday with them     
in a nice  gentle way         Please let me know how it goes 

 

10/29/2018 2:31 pm  #14


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

A friend of mine backed out of an outing, pretty last minute.  I was upset at first of course because a desire of mine is to have friends and great relationships.That is where my disappointment ended.  I didn't let him have it or anything. I got up and went on the outing by myself and I had a great time.

I think these situations we get into can be all about bringing us back to ourselves.  Why couldn't you go on the vacation alone? You could have found it peaceful and got the relaxation that you needed.  People will always come and go.  you really don't have to dwell on these two.


The Universe is your playground.
 

10/29/2018 4:42 pm  #15


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Avaelle wrote:

A friend of mine backed out of an outing, pretty last minute.  I was upset at first of course because a desire of mine is to have friends and great relationships.That is where my disappointment ended.  I didn't let him have it or anything. I got up and went on the outing by myself and I had a great time.

I think these situations we get into can be all about bringing us back to ourselves.  Why couldn't you go on the vacation alone? You could have found it peaceful and got the relaxation that you needed.  People will always come and go.  you really don't have to dwell on these two.

I did exactly the same last Friday night. There's a post somewhere on here about it.


Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.
 

1/18/2019 2:26 am  #16


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Friendship has no bounadries.

 

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