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10/22/2018 3:12 pm  #1


Friendships and Boundaries

Hi Everyone,

I am sort of seeking some advice...regarding friendships and boundaries.  Recently (sometime at the beginning of summer) I connected with two new friends and I see them regularly on a monthly basis.  Both of them are older then me (I am 37 and one of them is in her 40s and the other in her late 60s, and they also know eachother and have known eachother longer then I either of them).  It  has been many years (probably over a decade or longer) since I had friends...it was a difficult time and although I somehow learned to be alone, I often felt deep loneliness.  In any case,  about two months ago, I got invited to go on a bit of a road trip to a cabin up north for a few days by these ladies and I really wanted to go because I felt I needed to get away to relax ( I haven't had a real holiday in 14 years, so I,ve been feeling quite drained emotionally and physically).  Initially, the plan was that I would be going along but the first and second trip didn't work out because of the weather and then one of my friends became ill so the date was postponed (also I,ve never announced that I hadn't been away anywhere for 14 years) but a few weeks ago, once one of my friends got over her illness, they ended up travelling there and I kind of got left behind or excluded.  Am sure it wasn't intentional but to be honest, I felt ignored and invisible. One of the reasons that I am a bit upset is that I don't get many opportunities to go away from my problems...well...really almost ever so that amplified my emotions. Hopefully, I am not being over dramatic, I hope but these are just the feelings I have been experiencing.  In a way I feel a bit of resentment but mostly hurt.  And I don't want to feel invisible ...think that's understandable. The question I have is that, I don't want to guilt trip my friends but at the same time I don't want to be hmmm...disrespected again? Would that be the right word? So, I am looking for some advice on how to handle this. Should I sort of distance myself from them for a bit? Any thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated.  Thank you.
Anna

Last edited by monarcopia (10/22/2018 6:58 pm)

 

10/22/2018 4:38 pm  #2


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

monarcopia wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I am sort of seeking some advice...regarding friendships and boundaries.  Recently (sometime at the beginning of summer) I connected with two new friends and I see them regularly on a monthly basis.  Both of them are older then me (I am 37 and one of them is in her 40s and the other in her late 60s, and they also know eachother and have known eachother longer then I either of them).  It  has been many years (probably over a decade or longer) since I had friends...it was a difficult time and although I somehow learned to be alone, I often felt deep loneliness.  In any case,  about two months ago, I got invited to go on a bit of a road trip to a cabin up north for a few days by these ladies and I really wanted to go because I felt I needed to get away to relax ( I haven't had a real holiday in 14 years, so I,ve been feeling quite drained emotionally and physically).  Initially, the plan was that I would be going along but the first and second trip didn't work out because of the weather and then one of my friends became ill so the date was postponed (also I,ve never announced that I hadn't been away anywhere for 14 years) but a few weeks ago, once one of my friends got over her illness, they ended up travelling there and I kind of got left behind or excluded.  Am sure it wasn't intentional but to be honest, I felt ignored and invisible. Hopefully, I am not being over dramatic, I hope but these are just the feelings I have been experiencing.  In a way I feel a bit of resentment but mostly hurt.  And I don't want to feel invisible ...think that's understandable. The question I have is that, I don't want to guilt trip my friends but at the same time I don't want to be hmmm...disrespected again? Would that be the right word? So, I am looking for some advice on how to handle this. Should I sort of distance myself from them for a bit? Any thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated.  Thank you.
Anna

 
I'm older than you, and in my experience lack of communication and making assumptions are the biggest causes of misunderstandings between people and the resultant damaged relationships. I'm a direct person, so I would come out and ask them why they went without me when I thought it was going to be the 3 of us, and I would also say I felt left out and I was hurt, if that was how I felt.  Until and unless you ask them, you're not going to know, and it might be something completely innocent that wasn't meant to be any sort of snub. Maybe they didn't even think you cared that much about going, but don't speculate and feel bad about it, get it out in the open and clear the air. You can do whatever you want, but since you asked, that's what I would do.

Last edited by Cynthia (10/22/2018 4:39 pm)


The first man to raise a fist is the man who has run out of ideas.
 

10/22/2018 4:46 pm  #3


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Thank you Cynthia. Appreciate your wisdom.

     Thread Starter
 

10/22/2018 4:55 pm  #4


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

monarcopia wrote:

Thank you Cynthia. Appreciate your wisdom.

 
Also, if you were really looking forward to going along and getting away, you could mention that, too. If they're really your friends, they're not going to take offence if you do it the right way, without attacking them, just expressing your feelings and wondering what happened, and if they're really your friends, they wouldn't have wanted to purposely hurt you. This is actually a good way of finding out if they really are your friends and, if they aren't, not wasting any more time on them.

Last edited by Cynthia (10/22/2018 5:37 pm)


The first man to raise a fist is the man who has run out of ideas.
 

10/22/2018 6:26 pm  #5


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

As this is a LoA forum, you should start with looking inside of you. You won't find answers and solutions anywhere else. I am pretty sure that you felt invisible and left out before this incident, it just triggered that feeling. It has nothing to do with those ladies and they in fact couldn't act any other way. Change how you feel about yourself, friendships and trips and your problems will resolve themselves. I wouldn't do anything on the physical plain. It won't change anything anyway. By distancing yourself you would shoot yourself in the foot, because you obviously want friendships. So why hurting yourself? I personally don't open communication with people about things that "went wrong", because I know that I am the cause of it happening. What's the point of talking about it? I could juse the time better with changing my feelings instead of reinforcing the old feeling by talking about it.

So start feeling visible, And think (or better feel) about why it's important that the two are friends for so long. Maybe I am wrong, but I could imagine that you have some feelings about that you should change too..something like you aren't really necessary for them, not part of the group or something like that. Don't think about what happened. Think about what you felt before it happened? It's not a coincidence that everything went wrong with the trip. The cause lies in your consciousness. Look for that and change that instead of taking action.


"Self-abandonment. That is the secret. We have to abandon ourselves to the state, in our love for the state, and in so doing live the life of the state and no more our present state. And to make the state alive, one must become it."

Neville Goddard ~ The Law and the Promise
 

10/22/2018 10:35 pm  #6


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Sanshi wrote:

As this is a LoA forum, you should start with looking inside of you. You won't find answers and solutions anywhere else. I am pretty sure that you felt invisible and left out before this incident, it just triggered that feeling. It has nothing to do with those ladies and they in fact couldn't act any other way. Change how you feel about yourself, friendships and trips and your problems will resolve themselves. I wouldn't do anything on the physical plain. It won't change anything anyway. By distancing yourself you would shoot yourself in the foot, because you obviously want friendships. So why hurting yourself? I personally don't open communication with people about things that "went wrong", because I know that I am the cause of it happening. What's the point of talking about it? I could juse the time better with changing my feelings instead of reinforcing the old feeling by talking about it.

So start feeling visible, And think (or better feel) about why it's important that the two are friends for so long. Maybe I am wrong, but I could imagine that you have some feelings about that you should change too..something like you aren't really necessary for them, not part of the group or something like that. Don't think about what happened. Think about what you felt before it happened? It's not a coincidence that everything went wrong with the trip. The cause lies in your consciousness. Look for that and change that instead of taking action.

 
I agree with you from a purely 'LOA' point of view, but I also think it's important not to bottle up one's feelings, so, since I'm not superhuman and I do have feelings, I would personally say something if it bothered me, but not with the intention of or to try to manipulate outward conditions or change anything at all directly.

Last edited by Cynthia (10/22/2018 10:40 pm)


The first man to raise a fist is the man who has run out of ideas.
 

10/23/2018 1:44 am  #7


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

I agree with everyone! I have two close friends (well I have more than two, but these two are the ones I'm discussing). They knew each other from primary school and I came on the scene at the age of 19. I always felt a shared history was there that I wasn't part of and that they were always closer to each other than to me.  I'm also someone who is direct and don't pussyfoot about where they are the type to make excuses for people; one in particular could be a UN mediator!!!

Two of us live in the same city and the other moved three and a half hours drive away. Sandra said she was visiting this weekend and the plan was to have a girls' night at Jackie's house. When I contacted Jackie she said Sandra was coming at a certain time and I could join them whenever. Sandra has always picked me up on our evenings out and I thought as this hadn't been mentioned, they didn't really want me there and 15 year old insecurity flared briefly. I messaged Sandra to say hope to see you later. She came back with a message that she'd pick me up and could we go for coffee and a chat first. So you see it was making assumptions and all about communication as Cynthia said.

If they'd decided to meet behind my back I'd have confronted that, but they didn't, even if I briefly had that thought.

Last edited by PrettyFlamingo (10/23/2018 3:42 am)


Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.
 

10/23/2018 3:41 am  #8


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Sanshi wrote:

I am pretty sure that you felt invisible and left out before this incident, it just triggered that feeling.

Yes, I can relate to this. I did this sort of thing all the time. 


Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.
 

10/23/2018 6:05 am  #9


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Hi Sanshi,
Thank you for your response.  I am just thinking back to how I felt about myself before this occurred and I think I loved myself...at least enough to recognize that I am being treated poorly (although I am quite sure that their behaviour was not intentional) and I don't want to punish anyone but at the same time I don't want people to just walk all over me (as I am not a doormat) because I did nothing to deserve that. Of course I am a work in progress so there is always room for improvement . That's just my POV .

Sanshi wrote:

As this is a LoA forum, you should start with looking inside of you. You won't find answers and solutions anywhere else. I am pretty sure that you felt invisible and left out before this incident, it just triggered that feeling. It has nothing to do with those ladies and they in fact couldn't act any other way. Change how you feel about yourself, friendships and trips and your problems will resolve themselves. I wouldn't do anything on the physical plain. It won't change anything anyway. By distancing yourself you would shoot yourself in the foot, because you obviously want friendships. So why hurting yourself? I personally don't open communication with people about things that "went wrong", because I know that I am the cause of it happening. What's the point of talking about it? I could juse the time better with changing my feelings instead of reinforcing the old feeling by talking about it.

So start feeling visible, And think (or better feel) about why it's important that the two are friends for so long. Maybe I am wrong, but I could imagine that you have some feelings about that you should change too..something like you aren't really necessary for them, not part of the group or something like that. Don't think about what happened. Think about what you felt before it happened? It's not a coincidence that everything went wrong with the trip. The cause lies in your consciousness. Look for that and change that instead of taking action.

 

     Thread Starter
 

10/23/2018 6:20 am  #10


Re: Friendships and Boundaries

Are you still in touch with them? Do you see them often? Are you going to get in touch and discuss the situation, even in a low key fashion?


Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.
 

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