hello alisa

you say : he doesnt want a relationship currently.
That is so classic :D
I literally did a lot of research on the whole understanding men and dating topic. I studied it religiously.
when a guy says: i dont want a relationship CURRENTLY he usually thinks/ means: mhmm. I think I like her.. but.. woah, she thinks WAY too fast way too far ahead. I fear that she would be clingy and I dont want to give up my freedom.

It could be the case that you started to date him and you fixated on him and you were emotinally clingy and he felt that.
In order for him to want to commit he has to feel that:
a) you are emotionally attractive, you dont try to take emotions (security, love, happiness) from him, but you GIVE positive emotions to him. That means you have to love yourself.
b) you dont NEED him to feel happy. stop putting him on a pedestal and focus on things you love.

dont go to him and say: i want a committed relationship.
you will push him away if you stay in that emotinal state of being in need and longing and wanting security.
instead: be as fun and happy as before, but dont give him the benefits of a relationship ( treating him as a priority, being exclusive, having sex AND the emotional component of cuddling, you can have sex if
that is what you want but dont give him the cuddling and emotinal benefit e.g. leave after you have sex )
That is way more effective because you signal that you are secure and self-loving and you are not disturbed and angry about him not wanting to commit. and ususally, when he FEELS that he WANTS to commit.

This is not an exclusively "loa advice" but I wanted to share these things
Its important that you dont play games, but that you really start to feel:
- relaxed,not angry, frustrated, in need, longing
- secure
- worthy
- self-loving


 

happygirl97 wrote:

hello alisa

you say : he doesnt want a relationship currently.
That is so classic :D
I literally did a lot of research on the whole understanding men and dating topic. I studied it religiously.
when a guy says: i dont want a relationship CURRENTLY he usually thinks/ means: mhmm. I think I like her.. but.. woah, she thinks WAY too fast way too far ahead. I fear that she would be clingy and I dont want to give up my freedom.

It could be the case that you started to date him and you fixated on him and you were emotinally clingy and he felt that.
In order for him to want to commit he has to feel that:
a) you are emotionally attractive, you dont try to take emotions (security, love, happiness) from him, but you GIVE positive emotions to him. That means you have to love yourself.
b) you dont NEED him to feel happy. stop putting him on a pedestal and focus on things you love.

dont go to him and say: i want a committed relationship.
you will push him away if you stay in that emotinal state of being in need and longing and wanting security.
instead: be as fun and happy as before, but dont give him the benefits of a relationship ( treating him as a priority, being exclusive, having sex AND the emotional component of cuddling, you can have sex if
that is what you want but dont give him the cuddling and emotinal benefit e.g. leave after you have sex )
That is way more effective because you signal that you are secure and self-loving and you are not disturbed and angry about him not wanting to commit. and ususally, when he FEELS that he WANTS to commit.

This is not an exclusively "loa advice" but I wanted to share these things
Its important that you dont play games, but that you really start to feel:
- relaxed,not angry, frustrated, in need, longing
- secure
- worthy
- self-loving


 

Honey please forget all that pseudo dating nonsense about how a guy not wanting a relationship because you are acting needy or clingy. And how you should or shouldn't act. And what you must or mustn't say. It's game playing and the quickest way to end up alone. Seriously it's not true.

It's really no different for guys or women.

If a guy tells you he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you - it's because he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. There could be a million reasons - but never ever take it personally. It could be that you aren't inspiring him to want a committed relationship, he could have commitment issues, he could have alot of other things going on in his life.

It doesn't mean you were clingy or any other crap. When a guy wants you he accepts you for you. You can be clingy or act like a crazy nut - when he wants you he isn't going anywhere.

Anything outside of that it just means something is missing. And I will restate do not take it personally. I have meet many guys who were lovely - but there was just something that wasn't appealing me to have a committed relationship with them.

The only rule you need to know is just be yourself - if he wants you he will accept you as you. Anyone saying they don't want a committed relationship move on.

PrettyFlamingo wrote:

Alisa98 wrote:

I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple of months now we had our hard times and best times?

Hi Alisa,

I'm not clear how you can have "hard times and best times" with someone who you are just "talking" to. For example, I talk to a guy every day on the train to work but it doesn't go beyond that (neither do either of us want it to). 

Can you clarify - does talking mean in person or on line/on apps? Do you meet up in a group of friends, have you had dates? 

I'm guessing from your comment that you might have feelings for each other that you see each other around and to have good and bad times, it is more than just chatting on line or saying hello. 

Sorry, I didn't read the posts further down the thread!