Hello Everyone,

Quick brief history (I don't want to dwell on the past). I quoted "ex" because I don't like that word 

1. We've been in a relationship for over 20 years. First about 2 years together, apart for about 5 years, together again for 12 + years, but now apart for 3 months (beginning of July 2017).

2. We have a 19-year-old son.

3. He was going through a difficult time. There were things we should have talked about and communicated to each other about, but instead we were both too scared to make ourselves vulnerable. We both have fear of abandonment issues.

4. Rather than have him leave me, I pushed him away out of fear, right into the arms of a third-party (yes he blamed me for him being with her). And I did this at the most terrible time, when he REALLY needed my support. When I told him I pushed him because I was scared, he was shocked and it was clear he felt he had jumped the gun, but didn't reverse his decision. He had actually moved in with third-party about a week after our split, so I think he got himself into a sticky situation. From what I know of her, she is a needy victim type, and because he was feeling rejected, her needing him was exactly what he needed at the time. I can only imagine that crap will get old soon. I know she is a rebound.

5. Two months before our split, I got him a job where I work (he's always been envious of my job) and he loves working there. We were getting along famously at the time and I had no reason to think **** was going to hit the fan.

6. For 2.5 months we barely looked at each other (at work), were courteous when we had to be ("Good Morning", etc...).

7. Mid way through September we started to become more friendly. By beginning of October he was going out of his way to do incredibly nice things for me (drove from FL to GA to pick up a $4200. trailer, without me asking, just because he remembered I needed one - yes I did pay him for it). He said he had been thinking of me.

8. The day he brought it over he was his old self. We were laughing together, singing together, grinning, lots of eye contact, it is SO clear we're still in love. This lasted a couple days. He was continually joining my conversations at work, laughing, teasing me, always trying to see where I was and what I was doing. Texting me pictures of things he knows I like, etc...

9. One of the pictures he had texted me, a picture of his new iWatch, was on the Friday afternoon of the good week. I didn't respond until next day (Sat) when he would have been with third-party. I simply said "Nice Watch". I have a funny feeling she became aware of it.

10. This resulted in him going cold again the next week. Not nearly as bad as before. So right now we're still talking some, being polite, but it is strained.

For the most part I've done pretty well not thinking about third-party, but this week has been tougher. I KNOW we can get back to that joyous place again, it will only take just a little time. My biggest issue is trying to just let go and let the universe handle the details. I am working so hard on trying to surrender, but seeing him every day is a reminder of us not currently being together (yes I keep telling myself our hearts are one and we're already together) and I KNOW by the way I catch him looking at me, he's still in love with me.

Any suggestions on how I can just let go of the worry? I'm around him so often. I don't want to ignore him because I certainly don't feel like being a *****. In fact I'm not angry any more. I don't care about the past. I only care about our future. I'd certainly love to be able to express those things to him, but I don't want to chase. That's his job 

Thanks for reading. Guess it wasn't that brief after all