Hi, I'm new to the forum. I literally just joined a few hours ago. 

Typically, I would just say.. sorry for your loss or sending you my condolences with a call, but since I have decided to be on this path of consciously creating a better, loving relationship with him... I'm a bit torn. Our past few encounters have also made me feel stuck on what to do. I do recognize how I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion, but I'd like some different perspectives. So, his grandma just died. He went down there Saturday to visit with her and then she ended up in the hospital. I know all of this info because of a simple text. 

Let me try my best to sum up my situation and then bring it back to my dilemma. We haven't been together in a year and a half (closer to two). He moved out. I begged, pleaded, tried to manipulated, talked his ears off, cried so many rivers (we all know how that **** show ended up). I slumped into a depression. I snapped out of end the later part of 2016 (started dressing up, walking, feeling great, took myself on dates, started to someone, got intimate with that same someone, just felt great and happy. My love and I hadn't talked since I decided I needed to just let go. Fast forward 2017, I'm talking to two guys. I'm really interested in one. I'm feeling hopeful. Fast forward to the last week of June 2017. He text me while I'm at work. I was shocked since I got ignored, felt like he hated my guts, he told me he had no feelings, seemed to have gotten me out of his system and wasn't ever going to look back. We were intimate. The experience was very different ( a great one, I felt empowered). Fast forward two weeks, I''m realizing I still had strong feelings for him and feeling like what we did was a huge mistake. I call him to check on him and he tells me he's good, he's about to move. My heart drops, bounces back in my chest, and tangles up into a tight, messy ball. I know I shouldn't have but I tried to make stuff happen from this point on. We met up again and were intimate and we actually talked about the past relationship (we had a long intermission). He said I acted like a huge ***** (this is important). The next few days, I feel horrible because stuff started flowing to me that I had clearly suppressed & I was like well crap... I was a horrible ***** to him. I then felt like why would he want to be with me if I treated him badly and I didn't feel like I deserved forgiveness from him, me, or God. Last week, I ask him to make me some lasagna (still trying to make **** happen-- ugh I'm embarrassed). He makes it for me and then I try to convince him to stay and us be roommates again. He's like no even though I don't want to leave. Did we make it back to his grandma? Yes, so he tells me he's going to take some things to her house. I call him Sunday to let him know about a job and I ask him how his grandmother is. I had no idea she was sick and then he spills the tea. I'm left speechless because it seems like her health was declining fast. I just saw him post earlier tonight a lovely tribute to her on facebook (I promise I wasn't stalking lol... I just happened to be scrolling my timeline and it popped up). Back to me I have seen the errors of my ways (trying to make things happen) and I wanted to just back off and stop texting and calling so much so I could focus on me and self love and radiate love out to him. I don't want him to feel obligated to call or text me because of his grandma's death that literally just happened. So, should I just send him love and that suffice? I really don't want to bother him anymore.

Sidenote: I am very long-winded , but I talked to his grandmother last night. Well, her higher self, spirit, energy (whatever you would like to call it). I just wanted to thank her for being kind all the times I went to her home and thanked her for being such a funny person and I told her she would be missed by me even though I didn't have that much time with her. I told her.. if you're ready to transition.. go and I'll see you later.