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6/18/2017 12:31 pm  #1


Experience with my friend

Last night I went out with a friend of mine (male). I've known him a long time, like him a lot, but he can be very opinionated. He's a great "Handy Andy" and does a lot for me around the house and is supportive like that, which is probably why I haven't told him to get lost before now! I have known him for 20 years and he has always been known as being opinionated. 

I went out with him last night because an arrangement with someone else fell through (he didn't know that, just called and asked if I was OK to go out and I said yes). We met in town and then went back to where I live on the bus. When I got off the bus I was adjusting my dress hem and he had a pop at me about it saying it was inappropriate and everyone on the bus was staring at me. (I doubt they were, and even if they were, it was gone in an instant and they wouldn't ever see me again, so, so what?!).  We went for a pub meal and I was chatting to the waiter when he came to take the order. When the waiter had gone, my mate berated me for "jabbering on and involving him in inconsequential chat". I drove him home later and we agreed next morning (today) we'd go out for breakfast and I would pay him my half of the meal. I'm also having some work done at home and reorganising things and he promised to move a large box for me out of my lounge and in the loft.

I got home really tired (I'd been on a training day in another city before going out) and went straight to bed after jumping in the shower last night, then woke up at 9, with Andy due to come at 9.30. (He rocked up at 10.00). He said he wasn't going to help me with the box as he had a white T shirt on and didn't want to go in my loft and muck it up. Fair enough, but I was relying on it being moved as I need to rearrange stuff for the decorator to come tomorrow. I would only ever ask for help for things I could not do by myself. Eventually he did it (without the T shirt on I add).

He had a go at me for not having worked out my share of the bill for last night, even though I not only hadn't had the time, I couldn't find the receipt (it turned out he had taken it away with him!) He also started mimicking me (how I spoke and stood) when I came back at him for saying my front room is a mess (it is. I am in the middle of a massive reorganisation and things have to go somewhere temporarily. He knows this). This is normal for him, he thinks it is just part and parcel of our relationship. 

His comments don't hurt or upset me, but I find them very irritating and I feel it reflects on him being an opinionated, arrogant so and so, rather than me. When not like this, he is excellent company, interesting and a good conversationalist. He also is very supportive with me in other ways. 

Just interested in your thoughts about it. No comments about "telling an old story" or similar, or I attracted his behaviour, it is what it is last night and today. He is like this with most people, so everyone must be attracting it mustn't they? ;) It doesn't upset me and I can handle him. But I am interested in thoughts. How would YOU deal with a friend like this?
 

Last edited by PrettyFlamingo (6/18/2017 12:33 pm)


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6/18/2017 12:48 pm  #2


Re: Experience with my friend

Hmm.  I think unless if they go overboard(to the point you call them out).  You kind of have to just let them have their way,  I feel like that type of persona, makes some people feel better

 

6/18/2017 5:45 pm  #3


Re: Experience with my friend

Dan2015 wrote:

Hmm. I think unless if they go overboard(to the point you call them out). You kind of have to just let them have their way, I feel like that type of persona, makes some people feel better

Yes.

I've often asked him about this, why he wants to bother spending time with me if he wants to be so snarky. He says it is because I "do daft things" but he loves me really. Hmmm ..........


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6/25/2017 11:24 am  #4


Re: Experience with my friend

I went out with this friend again yesterday, and we went for a pub lunch before going to see an exhibition. In the pub after lunch he went to the loo and then came back to find me still on the sofa on my phone (I was attempting to contact someone). Outside the pub he went berserk at me, accusing me of "sitting on my arse", never doing anything, going out of the wrong pub door (I had forgotten which one it was). blah blah blah, He went on and on and on using vile and abusive language to the point I had to REALLY shout to make myself heard about him ranting and yelling.

He apologised later and said he is going through some difficult stuff with his brother, and he is "losing it" with other people too, but to be frank I don't really care - it is out of order and unacceptable, full stop. If he had calmly sat and talked to me and explained this, I'd have been happy to listen and try to help, but I don't deserve this. 

We spend time with our friends because we love them, they love us, and we should all leave from each encounter feeling energised and better for it. This just made me feel cross and angry. Not hurt, because his opinion of me doesn't matter, but cross that he can be so arrogant. 

This person is getting a very wide berth from me in future. 


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6/26/2017 1:22 am  #5


Re: Experience with my friend

just a thought - surely his negative behaviour is bringing your vibrations down? I'd personally put a bit of distance between you for a while, let him think about how he is treating you.
he's obviously doing it because you let him treat you that way.

 

6/26/2017 6:25 am  #6


Re: Experience with my friend

crystalblessings wrote:

just a thought - surely his negative behaviour is bringing your vibrations down? I'd personally put a bit of distance between you for a while, let him think about how he is treating you.
he's obviously doing it because you let him treat you that way.

I don't allow him to, no - he gets both barrels from me each time he does it. But he doesn't seem to change. When things go wrong in his life, he takes it out on other people.

Don't think I meekly allow him to shout at me without any comeback. But a lot of space and a break from him is what is needed, thanks.


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7/30/2017 11:55 am  #7


Re: Experience with my friend

Following this, I have only seen this friend on a couple of occasions where he was fine.

Last night we met again for drinks and had a good catch up, which was excellent chat. But later in the evening Andy said something very mean and hurtful to me which was deeply personal. It was dragging up some mistake I made in 1999, and then going on saying I had said this and that, when I hadn't. It was obvious something was seriously wrong as to me he seemed delusional. He'd had a few drinks but wasn't drunk, then he broke down crying saying he is on anti-depressants (clearly these mixed with booze aren't a good idea). He has other issues - from childhood, anger at his dad over the way he treated his mother, problems with his own brother, and he's just bored with life and that he has nightmares, can't sleep and is always crying.

I'm glad he told me this, but again I am not prepared to be his (verbal) punchbag for his problems. I've suggested he gets counselling for his deep rooted issues, but whether he will, I don't know. We can but wait and see. 

I'm not even sure why I posted this, it is nothing to do with the law of attraction. But sometimes, we have to "teach people how to treat us" and he has been told quite plainly by me this is unacceptable. All the "sorry" in the world is pointless if they don't change. 

Last edited by PrettyFlamingo (7/30/2017 11:56 am)


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7/30/2017 2:25 pm  #8


Re: Experience with my friend

He seems very toxic and rude- I'm so sorry.

That's just my opinion

 

7/30/2017 11:06 pm  #9


Re: Experience with my friend

happyinlove wrote:

YesIWILL wrote:

He seems very toxic and rude- I'm so sorry.

That's just my opinion

Agree strangely I find it funny that some people who tell me "why do you want a guy like yours" " you can do better" " get Away from this" "he sounds like a terrible guy you should attract something better " ( all paraphrasing so I guess I shouldn't put it in quotes cause it's not quotes . ) seem to defend someone who sounds awful on their end .

Your posts give off the vibes how desperate, needy, and obsessed you are and yes, I am well aware of the fact that I don't know you and only read your words; in which case you don't choose your words very carefully.
Writing "just my opinion" does not make it less offensive.
Your posts are full of "tell me what I wanna hear" whereas this one is only an example of how you should not let others affect your vibes. Harsh as it sounds but all you do is whine. So please don't compare it with your posts.


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7/31/2017 12:52 am  #10


Re: Experience with my friend

happyinlove wrote:

YesIWILL wrote:

He seems very toxic and rude- I'm so sorry.

That's just my opinion

Agree strangely I find it funny that some people who tell me "why do you want a guy like yours" " you can do better" " get Away from this" "he sounds like a terrible guy you should attract something better " ( all paraphrasing so I guess I shouldn't put it in quotes cause it's not quotes . ) seem to defend someone who sounds awful on their end .

Yes.

Just to clarify a) he's NOT a romantic interest and b) he doesn't upset or hurt me. I know enough about myself to ignore his comments. I don't spend a great deal of time with him purely for the reasons he can be vibe- lowering but I don't really allow him to affect me so much.

I know I can't change him but I can draw boundary lines with him. He had a bust up with his next door neighbour too. It's him, nobody "pushed out".

I guess I just wanted to explore his behaviour here.


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