Sorry for the negative post here, I can delete it after, but I just have to get it out of me.

I was in a so good place for a long time. I was happy, joyful, really believed that my dream relationship with S is manifesting just for a few days.... and then I had a little nervous breakdown yesterday.
I had a tough week on work (in a good way, I totally rocked everything but was so exhausted at evenings) and as I got home yesterday, saw mess in the rooms I had cleaned just a few days ago, found out that my child has lost 2 pairs of gloves during this week + all of his pencils and that I, who I was starving, tired and feeling cold, have to dive into rush hour traffic to go to supermarket to buy him new gloves and pencils... I just lost it.
When I was driving back from the supermarket I heard a "All I want for christmas is you" on the radio and before I noticed I was already crying. I got home, sent my child to his gandmother and opened a wine bottle. I drank, I smoked, I cried and I yelled to the universe (only in my mind fortunately).
My main complaints were: 
"Is it soooooo hard to give him to me??!?"
"Is it funny for you to watch how I suffer?"
"I've done everything right! Where is he then??!?"
"Ok,  fine. Don't give him to me. FINE! But just for you to know, I don't want anyone else either then! Ever! So take out your popcorn and 3D glasses and enjoy watching me being alone for the rest of my life!"
And I pleaded the Universe to help me forget him. Forget him quick. Like right now. And I pleaded for death (not proud, but yes I thought it would be great if I could just die right now).
At the end I sent the Universe to dark places and said I don't care.
Today, as I did spent half of the night drinking and crying, I felt tired again. And numb. And said to myself that I didn't care. I thought about him and every time I noticed it I said I don't care and get out of my head.
However I saw him today a lot, also the car model he drives, and his name. 
Is this Universe jeering/mocking me?? Why?
I asked help for forgetting him, why I get him into my reality and mind more often then??? Previously I asked him to be me spouse and then I didn't see him more often.
I'm so mad right now. And soooooooo tired. And I don't know what to do! After this yesterdays-todays thing I have been probably resetted all the good work and progress I've done so far. All this: you can get him back has gotten my expetations so up, if I had given up years ago it wouln't be so painful now...
I think I'm done and will be working on how to forget him. 
I wish all the best for you all. You are so nice and supportive here. 
Again, so sorry for negativity