It's been 5 years since my relationship ended with the one I love.  Back then I truly believed that she still loved me and there was some way we could be together again.  That's how I came to find out about all this loa stuff.  It gave me hope, but the fears and doubts and worries were just too strong and I never truly applied anything I learned about loa.

About a year later we briefly reconnected for a short while.  All my beliefs were proven true, but so were all my fears and worries.  Everything about her actions and behavior suggested she still loved me and wanted to get back together.  She even told me she missed me and loved me.  But not that way.  I never brought up the topic of a new relationship but every time we spoke she made a point to bring it up, telling me it just can't happen.  Soon after she stopped talking to me again.  After that I lost that belief that she loves me.

In the years since I've tried to just give up and move on, but remembering how much she loved me I can't fully move on.  I can't explain just how much she loved me.  Those memories give me hope, but that hope prevents me from moving on.  But I also can't get over any of the fears or doubts, mainly the fact it's been 5 years and we now live on opposite sides of the country.  I don't have that feeling or belief that I had during that first year after it ended that she could still love me.  I can't shake the doubt that it's just been too long for her to still love me, or that we live too far away for us to have a new relationship.

Looking back at our past together I can see so many examples of loa in action.  In all these events I wasn't worried about things going on in the present reality that could give me doubt, I just had this feeling that came to me about us, and even though I didn't have any factual reasons to counter potential doubts, the doubts just didn't matter, and they never happened.

A few months ago I found myself slowly finally moving on in a way.  I still thought about her all the time, missed her, hoped for another chance together, and still doubted any possibility of that happening.  But as I was slowly focusing on other areas of my life more, I found myself gradually becoming happier and happier.  Less sad about the fact we will never be in a relationship again.  A few weeks ago I had the random thought to check out her facebook.  I had stopped looking at any of her social media about 8 months ago.  So this random thought was weird, it didn't come to me out of sadness and missing her, but completely random.  I initially brushed the thought away, but it persisted in telling me to just check it out, so I did.  She recently changed her profile picture.  I don't know what happened to me, something just clicked inside me or something.  Something about that picture.  I was overwhelmed with this intense feeling that she is going to call me telling me she misses me.  That things are in motion and we are on our way back into each others arms in love.  I had zero doubt in my mind.  The worries about how long it's been or how far away she is just vanished, they didn't matter.  I couldn't think of a reason why they didn't matter, how it will happen due to the miles apart and years it's been, but they just didn't matter.  I know it sounds crazy but it's almost as if I was guided to look at her facebook, or something was calling me to it.

That was such an amazing feeling.  I was so excited.  I didn't wonder when, I just knew it was happening.  I rode that feeling for three days.  The fourth day it left me, and all the doubts and fears came rushing back with new ones.

My hesitation with visualizations or just believing have always been that it feels like I'm in denial or lying to myself.  That recent awesome feeling and belief came to me naturally, like when we first met.  I don't know how to believe like I did when we first met or just recently.  I want to finally do this loa thing fully for the first time since I found out about it all those years ago.  I just don't know how to believe.