If you're unfamiliar with my journey here's my post where I explain it: http://veronicaloa.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1225

I've been doing so great on my LOA journey, but I can't help but feel down today--it's been one year since I first met my guy.

I guess it just hurts thinking back to that wonderful night of our first date, and wishing things could've stayed that way a little while longer. But they didn't. And things went downhill fast.

You only get one one year anniversary, and I always envisioned us going back to the bar where we first met on this day to commemorate us first meeting. But obviously that isn't going to happen. He has no clue it's even been one year.

Is it dumb for me to be holding on like this?

Another thing making this hurt more is this: tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of when I first started my novel. My novel is essentially a 1990's period piece. I spent months researching and planning it, and finally started the actual writing the day after I met my guy. It's funny how things work out like that, but after being so scared for so long to start writing my book (because I was afraid it might not turn out right) I just felt "ready" after meeting my guy. Thus, my relationship with the book and my relationship with my guy always felt tied together in a cosmic way. We talked all about my book on our first date, and after I started writing it I texted him and he told me how happy he was for me.

My progress in the book correlated with my feelings for him. When things were going well, my writing was going well. When things were bad with him, things were bad with the book. I thought this was just coincidence, but now knowing about LOA I see that this was just the way of the universe.

So you see how my book and him have always been tied together in some way? Thus, I know the key to manifesting him back lies in my writing.

I started off writing pretty consistently last year, but soon tapered off. My goal had been to finish the novel by the end of 2015. That didn't end up happening. I still have a good 100 pages to go. Sure, other things got in the way of this (moving, depression, lack of inspiration, the difficulty of the research, etc.), so it wasn't just the situation with him slowing me down, but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't a big part of it.

I should've had the book done by the one year anniversary though. With both of these anniversaries happening one day apart, it just reminds me of how much I failed at both things. Last year things were going great with my guy and my book and the future looked bright--but neither of these things turned out the way I had expected. Thus, this anniversary just reminds me of the way things were, the way I wish things were now, and how I fucked up at both of them.

I should've spent 2015 writing and losing my self in my work. Instead I spent it brooding over him and feeling depressed and becoming obsessed with LOA. I feel embarrassed. I wasn't born to be a LOA master or to attract back a guy. I was born to write this book! I feel like if the person from January 29th, 2015 were to talk to the person I am now on January 29th, 2016, he'd be so disappointed that this passion project of mine that I was so excited to start, I just sidestepped for this one guy. 

I'm doing a 90's Pub Crawl this weekend and I'm hoping it gets me back into the spirit of the 90's, the way I used to be when I first started the book. I know that the key to manifesting my guy again is losing myself in my work again, so I gotta get to doing that. Still, I wish I could just have my guy back now. I wish he could be at that pub crawl with me.

I feel like this post isn't indicative of how I've been feeling lately, it's just that this day has got me feeling the blues. If you couldn't tell, I live too much in the past (hence why I'm writing a book that takes place two decades ago), and I know I have to just let this go. 

I don't know why exactly I'm posting this. I guess just to hear some wise words of support. Anniversaries can be hard when you're the only one celebrating, especially when you're still so immersed in all these things that remind you of your person. My guy owns his own beer company. My speciality was the 90's, his was beer. So obviously a 90's Pub Crawl is the perfect union of those two things, so that's just there to further remind me of us.

Still, I'm going to try my darndest to have fun tomorrow at the pub crawl and just let myself get lost in the 90's--not think of all the work I haven't done or dwell on the fact that things didn't turn out the way I wanted or be reminded of my guy. I'm going to re-discover why I fell in love with the 90's in the first place, and why I put so much work into this book in the first place. This is my passion project, and I have to keep reminding myself that my guy isn't the number one thing I'm trying to accomplish in my life.

It's such a difficult Catch-22: in order to get him back, I need to get my focus off of him and back onto the thing that was my main passion when I met him (my book). I know it's the only way. It's just...hard...hard to get past the regrets and mistakes and memories...hard to take that first step.

I could use some words of support. :/